The Strawberry Heart Page 3

The movie started and something occurred to Anselle, “you know, if you think about it, in a certain way this is out third date.” She leaned toward the other end of the sofa.

  The woman next to her blushed and leaned in, “Yes, I guess it is, in a certain way.”

  They met in the middle; the kiss hesitant at first then more insistent as Anselle pressed forward. Niav sat back with a gasp. Anselle pushed herself back, “sorry, got a little carried away.”

  The brunette sat back in her corner, “It’s okay. It’s just that I don’t want to rush things. I like you. I’d like to get to know you better before…um….things progress.”

  “I like you too. Is cuddling okay?”

  “Cuddling is fine. I like cuddling.”

  “Come here then.” Anselle settled back into her corner and held out her arms. Niav snuggled into the embrace and they watched the rest of the movie.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Every Sunday Anselle, Lisa and Gina took turns choosing a place to meet for brunch. This Sunday was Anselle’s day to choose and she picked AJ’s Café on Sutton Lane. They hadn’t been there before but they were always willing to try someplace new. The café was bright and open with brick walls, pendant lights hung low over every indoor table, shelving behind the sales counter displayed packaged coffee and wine for sale, a large chalkboard covering most of one wall displayed the menu, the décor was simple dark red, black and white. Anselle liked it immediately. There were no tables available outside so they were seated at a table next to the windows overlooking the lane. Glasses of water were set on the table as the three women perused the menu; Lisa ordered the roast chicken salad with avocados and roasted potatoes; Gina the organic smoked salmon and a side salad, and Anselle the Irish stew with lamb, potatoes and root vegetables.

  “You should’ve asked your girlfriend to come.” Lisa elbowed Gina in the ribs to signify that the teasing of Anselle had begun.

  “She’s not my girlfriend….yet. She wants to go slow and even if she were my girlfriend I’m not sure she would come.” Anselle frowned.

  “Why wouldn’t she come?” Gina worried, “didn’t she like my food?”

  Lisa asks, “What did you tell her about us?”

  “I didn’t tell her anything. I mean, I told her good things. I didn’t even mention the incident with the donkey…yet.” Anselle teased right back.

  Lisa glared playfully, “So what’s the problem? And you can just forget about the donkey thing.”

  Gina continued to worry, “It was the food, wasn’t it? She didn’t like it.”

  “No,” seeing Gina’ frown deepen Anselle quickly continued, “I mean, yes she loved the lamb. It’s just that, well, I’m not exactly sure what happened. She didn’t say and I didn’t want to ask.”

  Gina and Lisa looked at each other then back at Anselle.

  “What? What happened?” Lisa asked.

  “She liked the lamb though, right?” Gina was still worried.

  “Yes, she liked the lamb. She passed out.”

  “She liked it so much she passed out? I’ve never had anyone pass out after eating my food before. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.” She turned to Lisa, “Is that good or bad?” Gina scratched the back of her head.

  “My best friends are idiots. She didn’t pass out over the food. She passed out earlier.”

  “I think you need to start at the beginning.” Gina was confused and she knew that by the look on Lisa’s face she was too.

  Anselle explained, “I helped her make us brunch yesterday.”

  Lisa interrupted, “Okay, I’m with you so far.”

  Anselle scowled at her, “We were talking about coffee makers, I said that we should go shopping and get me a new one.”

  “Okay, I’ll stop interrupting now.” Lisa interrupted again.

  Anselle rolled her eyes and sighed, “Can you do something about her, please?” she asked Gina while she pointed at Lisa.

  Gina wrapped her arm around Lisa’s head and put her hand over her mouth. They both tried not to laugh.

  “Thank you. Where was I? Oh, yeah, coffee makers. I said we should go shopping. The next thing I know she’s white knuckling the side of the dining table, sweating and almost hyperventilating. She stood up, swayed and passed out.”

  This time the interruption came when the waiter brought out their orders. They each thanked her in turn then Anselle continued, “Thank God I was close enough to catch her. She would’ve smacked her head on a chair.”

  Gina dropped her hand from Lisa’s mouth, “What did you do?”

  “I laid her on the floor, got a towel from the kitchen to wipe her face then lifted her so she was resting against me until she woke up.”

  “How long was she out for?” Gina asked.

  “About five minutes or so.”

  “And then?” Gina was concerned for Anselle’s new friend.

  “Then we sat on the floor until she wanted to lie down. I helped her up and into the bedroom then I left. I called you a couple hours later and ordered dinner.”

  Lisa asked, “What do you think happened?”

  “I think she had some sort of panic attack.”

  “Panic attack? Over coffee makers?” Lisa was still a little confused.

  “No,” Gina provided, “over going outside.”

  Anselle nodded at Gina, “That’s what I thought too. She told me that she didn’t feel comfortable out on her balcony. She works from home too and she mentioned ordering groceries.”

  “What are you going to do?” Lisa asked.

  “I’m going to wait until she’s ready to talk about it. What else can I do?” Anselle shrugged.

  “She had a panic attack and you only mentioned going outside. What do you think would happen if she actually went?” Lisa asked one of the questions Anselle had been asking herself.

  “I have no idea,” Anselle sighed.

  “Do you want to be in a relationship with a girl that can’t or won’t go outside? There are going to be places you want to go, things you want to do and she won’t be able to go with you. Is she on medication? What about therapy?” Gina asked more questions Anselle had been asking herself.

  “I don’t know. Like I said, I didn’t ask her about it. I really like her though. Okay, so I’ve known her less than a week but I really like her.” Anselle sighed, “Suggestions?”

  Gina responded first, “the number one thing, obviously, is you have to talk to her about it.”

  “If she won’t go out or wants to but can’t you’ll need a lot of patience. You need to understand that you won’t be able to ‘fix’ her. Support her and encourage her but don’t push.” Lisa added.

  “Since when are you so smart?” The woman across from Anselle shot her a sour look but smiled.

  “Hey! I’m smarter than I look.” Lisa stuck her tongue out at Anselle.

  Gina added, “I think it would be wise to really think about how this relationship is likely to affect you too. If you decide to be with her you’ll have to be in all the way. You’d become her support structure, she’d start to rely on you and if you pulled away then she could become even worse. Could you live with that?”

  The blonde heard her friends talking but all the questions she had about her neighbor’s condition were running through her brain, ‘What if she can never go out? How do I help her? How does she cope? Has she been to therapy? Is she on medication? What do I do if she won’t or can’t get better? What do I want out of this relationship? What can I do to help her? What can she do to help herself? Does she need help? Does she want help? What if it doesn’t work out between us?’ They had given her a lot to think about but the first step was to get Niav to talk. She felt her mobile vibrate and removed it from her pocket.

  When Niav woke that morning she was almost sick over her connection with her neighbor. On one hand she could see herself having a relationship with the blonde but Anselle was a very nice girl and she deserved someone better, someone ‘normal’. She told herself she was broken wit
h little hope of being fixed and that it wouldn’t be fair to Anselle, she wouldn’t leave her flat; she passed out just thinking about going outside; she had nothing to offer; broken. She decided that the only fair thing to do was not to see Anselle anymore. There was going to be no more opening of her sliders or texting or calling or lessons. She wouldn’t open the door if anybody knocked. She opened a new text message and entered, ‘I can’t see you anymore. It’s for the best’, and sent it to Anselle.

  Anselle looked down on her phone in amazement and was only brought back to reality when Lisa banged on the table, “Jesus! What’s wrong with you?”

  Lisa scowled, “me? What’s wrong with you?”

  Gina tried to be the peacemaker, “Lisa, back off. Anselle, what is it?”

  Anselle looked back down at her phone, “It’s Niav. She says she doesn’t want to see me anymore and that it’s for the best.”

  “What do you think brought that on? Everything was fine when you left her last night, right?” Gina asked the frowning girl.

  “Text her back.” Lisa told her.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Anselle was lost; she thought, ‘I can’t be heartbroken, can I? I just met the girl’. She put her phone down on the table and dropped her head into her hands; it sure felt like heartbreak.

  “You always know what to say. Ask her why she doesn’t want to see you anymore.” Lisa paused and regarded her friend, “Are you okay?” She put her hand on her friend’s arm.

  “No. I’m not okay. I know it’s stupid because I just met her but….”

  “You should go and try to talk to her.” Gina signaled the waiter for the check.

  ***

  Anselle knocked on Niav’s door, “Niav? Please open the door.” She waited and listened, there was no sound coming from behind the closed door. “Niav, please. Talk to me. I know you’re in there. Please, Niav, don’t do this.” She leaned against the closed door with her hand on the knob, “Niav, I’m not willing to give up on you, on us. Niav?”

  Niav heard Anselle at the door from her place curled up on the sofa. She wanted to get up. She wanted to say she was sorry for sending the text. She wanted the blonde to hold her in her arms. But she didn’t get up. She didn’t say she was sorry. Her arms only wrapped around herself. When she heard Anselle move down the hall and enter her own flat she curled in on herself tighter and silently wept.

  Once settled in her apartment Anselle fired up her laptop and googled ‘panic attacks’. She printed out a few things that looked informative. Next she followed a link to ‘agoraphobia’ and printed out a few more things. As she read through the documents; symptoms and causes, the relationship between the two disorders and the treatment options she highlighted some areas and wrote down some questions in the margins. After she finished highlighting she clicked on a link to ‘blame’ and studied the screen. She thought she recognized what Niav was probably doing; Niav was blaming herself for her condition and pushing Anselle away. By pushing her away Niav was practicing ‘avoidance behavior’, avoiding any circumstance that may cause another attack and because Niav had had an attack in front of her or more likely because of her, she became a situation to be avoided. Anselle also read that by practicing this behavior Niav was liable to get worse because she was avoiding her fears instead of facing them. Anselle resolved to do whatever she could to get Niav back.

  ***

  The next morning Anselle stopped and listened again at Niav’s door before heading off to work, “Niav? Please talk to me. You don’t have to open the door just let me know you’re okay.”

  The woman heard Anselle at the door because she had never moved from her place on the sofa the night before. She opened her mouth to shout out ‘I’m okay, don’t leave’ but she remained silent. She couldn’t let Anselle get involved with her, Anselle deserved better. Before long she heard her neighbor’s footsteps on the stairs. She laid there for a little while longer before slipping from the sofa to start her day.

  Usually always professional at work Anselle was distracted and touchy. She caught a mistake she made which would’ve cost her client a lot of money just before the transaction approval registered. All that morning the blonde had been leaving voice mail messages for her neighbor and unreturned messages made her even crankier. She took an early lunch to clear her head. She reviewed the documents she had printed the night before and they only served to confirm what she thought. She had to get Niav to talk about what happened to her.

  That night, when Anselle got home from work, she stopped in front of Niav’s door, put down her briefcase and sat on the floor with her back to the door, “Niav, please talk to me. I’m not going away until you say something.” She listened for a response when there wasn’t one she continued, “I can be very stubborn you know, just ask my friend Lisa, she’ll tell you. I’m not going to give up Niav. I did some research on your condition and it says that it will help you if you talk about it.” There was still no response. “I’ll tell you something about me, how about that?” She paused for a response, “I’ll take your silence as my cue to go ahead. I wish you would say something to at least let me know that I’m not sitting here talking to myself.” Another pause, “No? Okay.” She took a deep breath, “When I was 18 I started applying to universities. I applied to a few in New Zealand and Australia where my parents wanted me to go and I applied to a couple here in the UK where I thought it would be nice to go. I had never been away from home before and I thought I had no real hope of getting in to any of them here. I had always had excellent grades, highest in my class, I played football and I ran track. I even volunteered at an animal shelter not only because stuff like that looks good on applications but because I wanted too. I got a couple of acceptance letters from universities in New Zealand and Australia but when I got the acceptance letter to university here I was shocked. I was upset too. I knew my parents would never let me go. I thought that it would’ve been better if I had never applied or had been refused entrance. It was so far from home and there was no way we could afford it so I hid the letter from them.” Anselle stopped when she heard soft footsteps coming closer to the door then she heard Niav sliding down the door to sit on the other side. “When I got home from school one day my mom had the letter in her hand. She said she found it when she was looking in my room for her camera, which I took all the time, it was a Canon SLR. She had a really good telephoto lens too. I used to carry it around on the weekends and take all kinds of nature shots. I saw myself as some kind of James Audubon or Ansel Adams or something. I liked to shoot in black and white sometimes. I wonder where those pictures are now. I haven’t thought about them in years. They were in a box under my bed. I’ll have to see if my mom can send them to me. Anyway, where was I?”

  “You’re mom found the letter,” Niav replied quietly from the other side of the door.

  Anselle breathed a sigh of relief, “thank you. She handed me the letter and asked me why I hid it. I told her that it was a mistake and that I wasn’t going to ask if I could go. She looked at me like I had never seen her look at me before. She asked me if I wanted to go. I said that I didn’t but she must’ve seen that I was lying. A few days later my dad called me into the sitting room. She was in there with my mom and she said that if I really wanted to go to university in the UK then they would find a way to send me. At first I was so excited but as I thought about it I told them I wouldn’t go. I felt guilty about wanting to leave home and about them having to spend the money. I told them I changed my mind but my dad said she wouldn’t let me. She said that she was proud of me for being so brave.” Anselle choked up a little at the memory of her dad that day. “I didn’t think I was brave, I thought I was selfish but she wouldn’t let me back out. She told me that if I backed out I would regret it the rest of my life. She said I should go for a least one year and that if I didn’t like it I could come home.”

  “So, you came and you’re still here.”

  “There’s more to the story if you want to hear it. All that w
asn’t the part I actually wanted to tell you. Niav, will you open the door to me?”

  She heard Niav sigh, “Anselle, you deserve somebody normal. I’m a mess.”

  “You’re not a mess. You’re an artistic, smart, funny, gorgeous brunette with the most beautiful golden-brown eyes I’ve ever seen and you’re a great cook. You’re smile lights up your face and it’s something I would like to be able to see every day.”

  Niav wouldn’t change her mind, “I’m sorry. You’re such a wonderful girl. If you stayed with me you’d only get frustrated because of my problems and you’d leave me like everyone else.”

  “I’m not everyone else Niav. I don’t know what it is but I feel a connection with you like I’ve never felt before. I want to get to know you and if you’ll let me, I want to help you but you have to talk to me.”

  “I’m sorry.” Anselle heard Niav get up and pad further into her apartment.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The next morning Anselle stood outside Niav’s door and wished her a good morning before continuing on to work. She tried to take Niav’s talking to her the day before as a positive sign, at least she knew she was being heard and she wasn’t being avoided all together. If she could get Niav to talk more, even if it was about nothing, it would be a step in. Anselle called her neighbor several times throughout the day and left more voicemail messages. She didn’t know if they were being listened to but she felt that leaving them was worth it so Niav wouldn’t think that she was giving up and that the woman would know she wasn’t alone.

  When she got home that night Anselle repeated what she did the night before, put down her briefcase and sat on the floor. “Good evening, Niav. I hope you had a pleasant day. I got soaked in the rain shower this afternoon when I went to lunch. I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today but it’s London in the spring and I probably should’ve known better. I hope I don’t come down with something and I probably just jinxed myself by saying that. Anyway, I’m going to pick-up my story where I left off yesterday. Well, I’m going to skip ahead a little but I know you won’t mind. Okay?” She paused for a response. When none came she carried on, “okay. I packed my suitcase with everything I thought I needed and some things I knew I wouldn’t need but took anyway. And the day finally came when I had to get on the plane. I had been on a plane once before for a trip to Australia with my family but that didn’t compare to a flight all the way to London. I was so scared and nervous because I was coming by myself. I remember feeling sick all that morning. I know what you’re thinking too but you’re wrong; I did not cry. Okay, maybe I cried a little when I had to say good-bye to my parents at the airport but that’s all you’re going to get me to admit too so don’t pressure me or give me that face you make. You know the face I mean, the one where you scrunch up your nose and stick out your tongue.” Anselle thought she heard a quiet chuckle from the other side of the door. “The first leg of the trip went from Auckland to Sydney where I had a 5 hour layover which wasn't too bad. I was so scared I was going to miss the next flight so once I found the boarding terminal I barely moved. I didn’t want to eat or go to the toilet because I felt that the minute I stepped away they would call the flight and I would miss it. I was afraid for my luggage too. I thought that there was no way my luggage would make it onto the next plane you know, it’s not like the airlines handle flights like that every day or anything." Anselle laughed at her own little joke. "I was so relieved when they called the flight and I got on the plane for the next leg to Hong Kong. The lay-over in Hong Kong was 2 hours. I kept telling myself that everything was going fine but I couldn't help feeling like I would get lost and my luggage would wind up in Africa or someplace and I’d never see it again. My mom didn’t know it but I had taken her camera or maybe she did know but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t too concerned for my stuff but I knew she’d never forgive me if I lost that camera. I cursed myself for not putting it in my carry-on bag but what did I know. I was a stupid kid, right?”