The Strawberry Heart Read online

Niav took Anselle’s hand and squeezed, “I’m glad you moved in here too.” Anselle didn’t expect an ‘I love you’ in return the squeeze said it all.

  ***

  Three weeks after dinner on the landing they were closer to the sidewalk but not by much. Niav had only made it down half of the stairs leading to the first floor. She saw Dr. Elise once a week and she thought her progress was remarkable. They ate on the stairs sometimes when Niav made something they could eat with their hands like wraps or gourmet burgers, usually Anselle came home to find Niav sketching in the dim light or doing history research on her laptop. She would take Niav’s hand to lead her back up the stairs into one of the flats where they would cook dinner together. Evenings were spent cuddling on one of their sofas; nights were spent in one of their beds wrapped in each other’s arms. They hadn’t ‘slept’ together yet but Anselle had infinite patience.

  Niav had gone over her first three attacks with Elise as well as her relationship with her last girlfriend and her friends who had abandoned her to face her disorder alone. She tried to tell her about her parents but when she mentioned her mother and her past at home she broke down and couldn’t continue. Elise needed Niav to talk about her past so she asked her to tell her some stories from her childhood at each visit. The stories could be happy or sad it didn’t matter as long as Niav could share and she could understand where she’d come from. At their last session the woman told her of her dream to surprise Anselle and make it out to brunch with her, Lisa and Gina by Christmas. It was the doctor's opinion that if she kept up her current rate of progress that dream was attainable but she she should be careful when setting goals for herself because if she didn't reach them it could lead to depression. She knew that depression meant she'd have to take medication which she still didn't want. She promised to discuss with her any goals she wanted to set and she agreed.

  ***

  Two weeks later Niav was only two steps closer to the door when Anselle got home one night. The woman was starting to get depressed over her lack of progress and at that day’s session Elise had again recommended drug therapy. Niav’s only joy came from her art, her cooking and her Anselle. The blonde could tell that her girlfriend was upset about her lack of recent progress and she thought she could help. They kissed hello as Anselle put down her briefcase, took the sketchpad from the artist’s hands and placed in on the stairs, “Do you trust me?”

  Niav was quick to respond, “Of course.”

  “You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, right?”

  “I do.”

  “Close your eyes and when you open them only look at me until I say different, okay?” Niav closed her eyes and felt Anselle’s hands cupping her face; drawing her in for a kiss. The kiss was deep and passionate. In minutes Niav was breathless, her head was spinning but not from an attack. She trusted Anselle and let Anselle guide her around as if they were dancing. At first she could tell that they were moving up a few stairs then down a few then up one then down a few more. Soon the artist couldn’t tell if they were moving up or down the stairs; all she felt were Anselle’s lips on her and her arms around her waist and strong hands moving over her back. When the blonde stopped their movement and pulled away Niav only looked into sparkling, blue eyes. Anselle told her to take a few deep breaths then look around.

  Niav gasped as she looks around to see where they were; her grip around Anselle tightened when she realized they were at the bottom of the stairs in front of the door. She looked back into the baby-blue eyes of the girl in her arms and smiled; she wasn't afraid; she wasn't breathing hard; she wasn't light-headed. She was happier than she could remember being in the last two years. The woman’s expression grew serious when she realized just how much she loved the amazing blonde.

  Anselle watched as Niav’s expressions changed, “Are you alright?”

  “Yes. Thank you,” Niav threaded her fingers through the hair on the back of Anselle’s head pulling her in for another kiss.

  The two women kissed their way back up the stairs; Niav’s fingers fumbled with the buttons on Anselle’s dress shirt until the brunette tripped over Anselle’s briefcase and the blonde stepped on Niav’s sketch pad. Their passion quickly turned to laughter as they bent to retrieve their displaced items. Anselle watched Niav tuck the pad under her arm before taking the artist’s free hand and with a mischievous wink asked, “You’re place or mine?”

  Niav’s face fell and Anselle was afraid that her girlfriend had changed her mind. “Anselle, I don’t…I mean…I’m not.”

  Anselle tried not to let her disappointment show, “Its okay, Matt. I understand you’re not ready yet.”

  “No, Anselle, it’s not that. I want to. I want you. It’s just that I don’t have any…you know…protection or anything.” Niav flushed and looked down. She’d not had to think about sex in years.

  “Oh, baby, it’s alright,” Anselle put her hand under her girlfriend’s chin to lift her head so she could look into the golden-brown eyes. “I have some things in mine if you still want too. If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure.” Niav led Anselle past her own flat and into the blonds not stopping until they reached the bedroom.

  Anselle put down her briefcase and took the sketch pad to place it on the side table. The blonde let Niav finish unbuttoning her shirt; slide it off her shoulders to touch the bare skin beneath. Anselle shivered as Niav pressed kisses to her shoulders and chest. Anselle let Niav explore her body with hands and lips but it wasn't long before Niav started to hesitate. “Niav, it’s alright. Come on.” Anselle removed her shoes, laid down on her side of the bed, looked up at her love and patted the space next to her. Niav slid into the blonde’s arms and the passion they had earlier was replaced by slow, deliberate kisses and touches as the two explored each other’s bodies. They made love for the first time that summer evening on Anselle’s bed.

  Anselle was on cloud nine when Niav whispered, “I love you,” as they were cuddled under the covers later that night.

  ***

  Sunday found Niav sitting on the bottom step with the front door cracked open. It was just enough so she could see a few of the homes across the street. A summer breeze blew in the scent of the rain that fell earlier that morning; it was crisp, clean and refreshing. She hadn’t been able to venture out yet but she was hoping to take a few steps out with Anselle when Anselle came back from brunch later that day. But for now she was content to sit and sketch what she could see through the open door.

  The light brightened briefly before a shadow appeared over her and the woman looked up to see Lisa standing in the doorway. The two hadn’t spoken since the ‘someone like you’ incident but Niav smiled up anyway, “Hello. Anselle should be ready any minute.” Niav stood to let the woman up the stairs.

  “Hello, Niav. I’m surprised to see you downstairs.”

  “Um, yeah. I’ve made it this far with Anselle’s help.”

  “Anselle’s a great girl.”

  “Yes, she is. You were right, we're certainly smitten with one another. In fact, I love her,” it was the first time Niav has said that out loud to anyone except Anselle and she felt the warmth of the words inside her, “the next step for me is out the door, maybe as soon as this afternoon when Anselle gets back from brunch.”

  Lisa heard the excitement in the other girl's voice and took a step closer to the woman, “Why wait?” She shoved Niav bodily through the open door, slammed it shut and threw the bolt home.

  Anselle, coming down the stairs met Lisa going up, “Was that you slamming the door? Is Niav down there? I need to tell her I’m leaving.”

  Lisa smiled up at the blonde, “Yeah, she was sitting on the steps when I came in. I think she went outside.”

  “Outside? Alone?” Anselle flew down the rest of the steps and tried to open the door. Realizing the door was locked she unbolted it and flung it open. Her panic was short lived though when she saw Niav in the arms of Gina a few feet from the door. The artist had her face buried in Gina’ c
hest, her hands were balled into fists next to her temples, she was shaking but at least she wasn't crying. Anselle could hear Gina saying, ‘it’s okay’, ‘you’re safe’, and ‘I won’t let anything happen to you’.

  Anselle reached out to pry her girlfriend off Gina’ chest, “Niav, it’s me, come back inside.” Niav let go of Gina, turned in the direction of Anselle’s voice eyes glued shut, arms out. With Gina’ help Niav found her way into Anselle’s arms. “What happened, baby? Why did you go outside without me? Did you want to meet Gina?” Gina stood on Anselle’s other side sandwiching Niav between them as they made their way back into the house.

  It wasn't Niav who replied but Gina, “She didn’t come out to meet me. I was just about at the door when she came flying out….like she was pushed,” Gina looked accusingly to Lisa then back to Anselle, “I ran the last few steps and took her into my arms. I wasn’t sure she had seen me so I told her it was me and then I kept telling her that she was safe and that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her like you said to. I was waiting for her to stop shaking before I was going to help her back inside.”

  Anselle silently thanked God for Gina then turned on Lisa, “How could you? What the hell were you thinking?”

  Before Lisa could answer Gina pulled Niav from Anselle’s arms, “Come on, Niav, let’s get you back upstairs.” Niav wouldn’t let go of Anselle’s shirt until she was reassured that the blonde would be up shortly.

  Once Anselle heard the door to Niav’s apartment click shut she turned on the woman once again, “Well, I’m waiting for an explanation.”

  Lisa was not apologetic at all, “I’m tired of hearing you whine about her and her problem. She’s all you talk about. Niav this, Niav that, Niav, Niav, Niav, Niav. We used to hang out, go to eat, see movies. Brunch on Sunday is the only time I see you anymore. I was there for you after your last relationship crashed and burned. Now you don’t need me anymore you just toss me aside. She needs to get over it and give you some space to see your friends.”

  Anselle couldn’t believe her ears, “I love her. I figure you’d be happy for me. You seemed to be happy and supportive when we first got together. You even gave me advice when I first learned of her problem. You don’t call to ask me to go out anymore either. Phones work both ways, you know. If my spending time with Niav is such a big problem for you why haven’t you mentioned it before? Why didn’t you just talk to me? You didn’t have to do what you did. She’ll never forgive you.”

  “I don’t care if she forgives me. I don’t need her forgiveness. Besides, it’s been what 5 or 6 weeks since she started therapy and she’s not out the door yet. She’s not much of a girl if…..”

  Lisa was cut off by a right hook to her jaw that sent her sprawling, “How dare you! Get the fuck out! I don’t want to hear anymore. Just get out!”

  Lisa righted herself and spit out, “Fine. No problem,” as she slammed the door behind her.

  Anselle sat down on the stairs, head in her hands, ‘what just happened here?’ The next thing she knew there was a firm hand on her shoulder.

  Gina sat down on the step behind Anselle, “Are you okay?”

  “Me? I’m fine. How’s Niav?” Anselle turned sideways on the step to look at her friend.

  “I put her to bed. You know Lisa may have just undone all the progress Niav’s made over these last weeks. Do you have an emergency number for her doctor?”

  Anselle’s head was spinning, “I can’t believe this is happening.” She took her mobile out of her pocket and dialed Elise’s number. When the answering service picked up she briefly explained what just occurred. The operator said she’d send a message to the doctor.

  After Anselle hung up Gina asked, “What did Lisa say?”

  “She said she was tired of hearing me whine about Niav’s condition, that she missed all the stuff we used to do together and that Niav needed to ‘get over it’. I don't whine about her, do I? She said that Niav wasn’t much of a girl, that’s when I punched her.”

  Gina was amazed. She’d never known Anselle to be violent, “You punched her?”

  Anselle smiled but she wasn't happy, “Yeah, right in her stupid mouth.”

  “She was in love with you, you know.”

  It was Anselle’s turn to be amazed, “What? When?”

  “At university. Maybe she still is. I don’t know. She told me one night as she got drunk at the restaurant bar after you met Niav.”

  “She never said, I never knew. Why didn’t she ever say? I never thought of her that way.” Anselle quickly scanned her memory for any signs or words from Lisa that would’ve revealed the woman’s feelings but she found nothing.

  “That’s probably why she never said anything. She knew you only thought of her as a friend. She saw you going out with other girls and then you met Lee and you were with her for years. When that went sour maybe she thought she stood a chance but you still only saw her as a friend.”

  “She hid her feelings very well. If she wanted something more from me she should’ve said something. We could’ve talked about it. There was no reason to take it out on Niav. She never did anything against Lee, as far as I know. Lisa was the first friend I made here but I won’t let her hurt Niav. I love Niav and she loves me. There is no choice between the two of them.” Anselle fell silent for a few minutes thinking again about the signs she may have missed, “I’m grateful to you for taking care of her outside. The situation could’ve been a lot worse if you weren’t there.”

  “There’s no need to thank me. I’m glad I was there at the right time. I wish I had been there two minutes earlier so it wouldn’t have happened at all.”

  Anselle stood and leaned into Gina for a hug, “Thanks all the same.”

  Gina didn’t say anything; she just squeezed Anselle a little tighter.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Niav lay in bed and listened to Anselle and Gina talking softly. She’d get up and join them but her body wouldn’t cooperate. Her muscles felt like jelly, her stomach was in knots, she was trying desperately to control her breathing. Images of people pointing and laughing filled her head as the scenery contorted and spun around her. She was lost; she couldn’t find her way home; there was nobody there to help her. The crowd around her grew; they breathed in her air; their laughter got louder and louder as they crept closer and closer until there was no way to escape; no more air; she couldn’t breathe. There were hands on her, touching her, shaking her. She heard her name, the voice was familiar but it was far away.

  Gina was in Niav’s kitchen cooking for the three of them. Despite Anselle’s telling her to take and cook whatever she wanted the Englishman was uncomfortable rifling through another girl’s kitchen so she settled for cooking simple scrambled eggs, grilled ham and tomatoes. Anselle was sitting at her place at the dining table watching her friend in the kitchen; she had volunteered to help but the offer was quickly but politely refused. When Gina told her the meal was almost ready Anselle headed to the bedroom to see if Niav wanted to join them. What she saw when she entered the room alarmed her; Niav was tangled up and struggling against the sheets sweating and moaning. Anselle sat on the bed next to the brunette and put her hands on the sleeping girl’s shoulders, “Niav? Baby, wake up.”

  Niav began to thrash about and cry out, “Stop! No! Get back!”

  Anselle moved her hands onto Niav’s arms and gently shook, “Niav, wake-up. It’s Anselle. You’re having a nightmare. Baby!”

  Niav woke with a start and bolted upright bumping her head into Anselle’s, “Ow,” they said in unison. Anselle placed her hand behind Niav’s head and guided it down onto her shoulder.

  Anselle rubbed her hands up and down Niav’s back trying to soothe her, “It’s okay. It was just a nightmare. You’re fine. Do you want to talk about it?” She felt Niav shake her head. “Okay, baby. Do you want to come get something to eat?” Again Niav shook her head. “Okay, do you want me to bring you something to eat?” This time Niav nodded. “Can the three of us have a picni
c on the bed?” Niav nodded more vigorously. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” Anselle left the room to find Gina in the kitchen with a worried look on her face. “She had a nightmare. Is it okay with you if we picnic on the bed? Is there any fruit salad in the fridge? If not, just grab the strawberries. I’ll get a sheet to put over the bedding.”

  Anselle made sure the bedding was protected before she and Gina prepared the plates and brought them into the bedroom along with cups of coffee and the bowl of strawberries. Gina sat with her back against the headboard next to Niav while Anselle sat cross-legged at the foot of the bed. Niav relaxed as she ate, “Did you help Gina, Anselle?”

  Anselle put on her pouty face, “No. She wouldn’t let me.”

  “That’s because I remember what happened the last time I let you help me in the kitchen. My mother still grimaces every time she looks at the wall where the scorch marks used to be.”

  “Grease fire?” Niav asked.

  Gina nudged Anselle with her foot and laughed, “She knows you so well.” Gina turned her head to Niav, “Did she almost burn your kitchen down too?”

  “No,” Niav replied, “I don’t let her near anything flammable.”

  Anselle’s pout got bigger, “What is this, two against one now? Gina, you’re a bad influence on her.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are. You’re putting ideas in her head. I cook perfectly well now. Don’t I, Matt?”

  “Yes, you do, love.” Niav smiled and held her hand out to her girlfriend who gladly took it.

  “Besides, Gina I can tease but not you, so it’s not fair, the two of you teasing me.”

  Gina huffed, “Why can’t you tease her?”

  “Because….she’s perfect.” Anselle beamed. The three women were silent for a minute then they broke out laughing.

  When Niav had caught her breath she said, “Um…I don’t mean to change the subject, even though Anselle is right about me being perfect, but do either of you know where my sketch pad is? I had it earlier on the stairs.” Niav wanted to do a sketch of Gina as a surprise and a thank you for taking care of her.