The Strawberry Heart Read online

  Gina apologized, “I’m sorry. Call me back when you’re free.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Anselle told her before Gina could ring off and she glanced around the room. Niav was no longer fussing with the books, the step-stool was gone and the drapes and door were closed. “What can I do for you?”

  “I just wanted to confirm we’re still on for brunch tomorrow. It’s my choice this week.”

  “Yeah, I know. Just don’t choose Niav’s. Are we doing anything after?”

  “Maybe a movie if we can all agree on what to see. You should tell Niav that she’s more than welcome to come.” Gina continued before Anselle could interrupt, “I know she won’t or can’t come but at least she’ll feel included and wanted. It will help with her recovery if she thinks she’s wanted.”

  “Thanks, Gina. I’ll ask her. Did Niav tell you what Lisa said at dinner the other night?”

  “No,” Gina sighed, “but Lisa did. She feels really bad about it. You know her; she just says whatever pops into her usually empty head.”

  “I know but it really hurt. I don’t think Niav has forgiven her yet. She has a few problems from her past with the phrase Lisa used, ‘someone like you’. The flowers were very nice though. You’re idea?”

  “Yeah, flowers are always nice with an apology. This thing is something they’re going to have to work out between them. See ya tomorrow, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” Anselle would like nothing more than to lay back down and try to recapture the dream but she knew it wouldn't happen. The blonde went in search of her girlfriend and found her in the bathroom mopping the floor and since Anselle knew Niav scared easily she snuck up behind her, “Boo!”

  The mop went flying; Niav shrieked and stumbled backward on the wet, tile floor, “Jesus! What the hell, Anselle? You are trying to kill me aren’t you? You’re going to give me a heart attack!”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Anselle wrapped her arms around the taller brunette. “It’s just that it’s so easy.”’

  Niav harrumphed, “I’m used to being alone, remember? I’m going to order you that collar with the bell on it today.”

  Anselle chuckled, “Gina called. She wants me to ask you to brunch tomorrow. We’ll also probably go see a movie.”

  “I can’t. I want too. I really do.” Niav slumped in Anselle’s arms.

  “It’s alright. We just want you to know that you’re welcome when you can come,” the blonde kissed the brunette curls.

  “Anselle?”

  That’s another reason Anselle loved the artist, every time before she asked a question, the woman said Anselle’s name and Anselle thought it endearing, “Yes?”

  “I’m nervous.”

  Anselle didn’t have to ask why, “I know. Everything will be fine. I’ll stay with you on Monday if you want. I’ll stay until you’re comfortable with her and then I’ll slip away. How does that sound?” She had asked this before and was met with a definite ‘no thank you’ but this time Niav sounded more anxious.

  It sounds like heaven to the woman and she wanted to say yes so she did, “Okay, just until after the initial meeting. Only if you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure. In fact, nothing would make me happier.” And that was the truth.

  ***

  Gina chose Kaffeine in Fitzrovia for brunch. It was a long way for them to go and Anselle hoped it was worth it. The place itself was small and modern but it had a familiar charm that reminded her of home. She noticed Anzac cookies on the menu and guessed Gina’ choice wouldn’t disappoint. The café smelled wonderfully of fresh brewed coffee, fresh baked pastries and bread. Gina ordered the croissant with Italian roast ham, talleggio cheese, spinach and plum tomatoes. Lisa ordered the beef, Guinness and cheese pie. Anselle ordered the Ciabatta roll with omelet, pancetta and tomato salsa. All three women ordered coffee and Anselle ordered Anzac cookies for the three of them.

  While they ate their meals Anselle told them about Niav’s sketches and the secret the artist was keeping regarding the photo’s Anselle’s mom sent. And now that she thought about it she hadn’t see the photos in the brunette's flat which increased her curiosity. Lisa kept apologizing to Anselle for saying what she did at dinner the other night and Anselle kept telling her to shut-up about it. Gina informed them that she was thinking about promoting one of her chefs so she had more free time. They told Gina that they’d heard it before and they’d believe it when they saw it.

  Anselle told them about her conversation with Dr Turner and that Niav had called her also. Gina advised Anselle not to be there when the doctor visited on Monday saying that it was something Niav had to do on her own to get better. Anselle said that Niav wanted her there so she would be there to support her girlfriend until she was comfortable and then she would go. The two went back and forth over the matter until Lisa broke in to warn them they would be late for the movie if they kept it up.

  ***

  Niav cleaned her flat twice and Anselle’s once over the two days, she finished two of the five watercolors and had put some color to the others. Now she was fretting over what to make for dinner. She didn’t know what or how much Anselle had to eat at brunch and at the movies so she didn’t want to make anything too heavy. She had chicken breasts thawing in the fridge but she wasn't really in the chicken mood anymore. Niav wanted to text Anselle but didn’t want to bother her while she was out with her friends. She wasn't even sure what time Anselle would be home. She felt herself gradually getting weaker as the adrenaline she had been running on the last two days gradually wore off. The artist decided to lie down and wait. She flopped herself down across her bed, feet dangling over the edge and fell asleep.

  ***

  When Anselle got home around 6pm she was surprised not to have the aroma of dinner meet her at Niav’s door which is propped open by the usual book. She pushed the door open, “Niav?” She removed her shoes and left them in the hallway just outside the door (this was a new rule of Niav’s because she'd spent two days cleaning). The blonde didn’t see her girlfriend anywhere in the front rooms so she went further into the flat. Anselle stopped at the bedroom door when she saw the woman asleep on the bed; her back was along the pillows, right leg was pulled up toward her chest, left leg straight with the foot hanging off the side, left arm under her head straight out, right arm curled up to her chest. She was so temped to go in, grab one of Niav’s feet and tickle it. Instead she slowly crawled onto the bed and laid down next to the sleeping brunette. She did to Niav what Niav did to her when she was sick, “Matt, time to get up.” Anselle glided her hand over Niav’s cheek but didn’t slap and inched closer to place a lingering kiss close to Niav’s full lips. She nuzzled close to the woman’s ear and whispered, “Niav, wake-up.” Anselle kissed Niav’s temple and cheek, “Niav.”

  Anselle finally solicited a response from the sleeping artist, “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “No, Anselle.”

  It was so cute Anselle could barely stifle her laughter, “Aww, you’re so cute but it’s time to get up now.”

  “No, Anselle,” Niav repeated.

  “If you don’t get up…” Anselle thought ‘what can I do? Tickle her? Threaten her with my unsupervised cooking?’ Anselle leaned over again and kissed Niav’s cheek close to her lips.

  Niav’s eyes fluttered open and she angled her head up to accept a full kiss, “How was brunch and the movie?”

  “Bruch was good we went to Kaffeine in Fitzrovia. The movie was so-so. How are you?” Anselle propped herself up on her hand.

  Niav mirrored Anselle’s position, “I’m okay.”

  The two women stared into each other’s eyes as Anselle’s hand caressed Niav’s cheek. Anselle leaned into Niav for a kiss and if she listened really hard Niav could hear the sound of her resolve shattering to pieces like a mirror when Anselle ran her fingers through her curly hair and pulled gently. Anselle felt the change in Niav’s kiss; it was needier, more desperate. The woman slung her right leg over Anselle trying to pull A
nselle closer. It was her dream come to life but she knew it had to stop, she pulled away, “Niav,” Anselle threaded her fingers through brunette curls, “I love you.”

  “But?” Niav shudders at what she thinks is to come.

  “But nothing. I love you.”

  And Niav understood. Anselle had the strength to give her what she needed; time. It’s not what she thought she wanted at the moment but she realized that it was what she had to have. She wanted desperately to say it back but the words wouldn’t come; she buried her face in the blonde’s shirt, tears falling from her eyes.

  Anselle sensed how Niav felt even though the words were not spoken. She held the brunette in her arms and whispered, “It’s alright” and “I know” and most importantly, “I love you”.

  They didn’t talk much they just held each other and kissed tenderly. The couple remained in the bedroom until the sunlight in the apartment began to fade. Without saying a word the decision was made to get up and move to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Niav asked Anselle to pound the chicken breasts to a quarter inch thickness before sprinkling them with salt and pepper. While Anselle was pounding the second breast Niav heated the pan over medium-high heat then coated it with cooking spray. The blonde dredged a piece of chicken in flour, handed it to Niav who placed it in the pan. They repeated the steps with the second chicken breast and sautéd both for four minutes per side. The chicken was removed and butter and sage added; the heat was lowered and the butter browned; the sage discarded. Shallots and thyme got added to the butter followed by lemon juice. Niav served the chicken over couscous and steamed asparagus. The browned butter was spooned over the chicken.

  They ate in relative silence but it wasn't uncomfortable for either girl. Anselle loved Niav and Niav loved Anselle (although she hadn’t said the words yet) but Anselle knew and that’s all that mattered.

  ***

  Monday morning found Anselle still at Niav’s but that time when they woke the woman was the big spoon. They were up when Anselle’s phone alarm went off, into separate showers (sometimes it came in handy to have two separate bathrooms) and back together to wait for Dr Turner. Anselle called into her office to let them know that she would be late. Niav was fidgety after breakfast; Belgium waffles with sliced strawberries and bacon, and wanted to have something to occupy herself. She thought about making finger-food but Anselle talked her out of that; the doctor surely wouldn’t require appetizers. She couldn’t clean any more than she already had, Anselle warned her, or the finish on the furniture would start coming off. Anselle turned on the radio and took Niav in her arms remembering that Niav used to dance. The blonde easily twirled the taller brunette around the floor, brought them back together and dipped. Niav switched their arm positions so she could lead Anselle through a number of slow dances even though they didn’t always match the style of music coming through the speakers.

  At 8:50am there was a knock on Niav’s door. Niav froze so Anselle opened the door.

  “Good-morning, I’m Dr Turner.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Anselle held out her hand, “Anselle Kelly, nice to meet you. We spoke on the phone the other day.” She shook her hand and she stepped back to let her into the flat. As she approached Niav, Anselle regarded the woman; she was about her height, shoulder length blonde hair, slender, professionally dressed in light grey slacks and a pink silk blouse.

  “Yes, yes. I remember and please call me Elise.” She was all happy smiles and had a warm, assuring air so Anselle immediately liked her.

  The doctor placed her briefcase and purse down next to one of the club chairs, “It’s nice to meet you, Niav.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too,” Niav smiled back as she took her extended hand, “please have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?” Elise declined the offer of a drink, took a seat in the chair to her left and began removing papers from her briefcase.

  Anselle moved around to sit next to Niav on the sofa; taking her hand and looking to the doctor, “We both want to thank you for coming this morning.”

  “Oh, of course. If you, Niav, decide to continue with me we’ll meet here as often as necessary until you are comfortable coming to the office. Anselle, will you be staying for the consultation today?”

  Anselle looked to her girlfriend who nodded, “I’ll stay for a little while if that’s okay.”

  “Yes, yes, that’s fine. As long as you, Niav, are comfortable. That’s what matters here.” She looked to Niav who only nodded again, “Okay, now. Do you have any questions before we begin?”

  Niav said, “No.”

  Anselle said, “Not at this time.”

  The doctor continued, “Okay, now. Do you have any records from your previous doctors?”

  Niav picked up a file folder from the side table; it was filled with copies of her medical records from her previous doctors and she presented it to Dr. Turner. She took some minutes to view the files, diagnosis and treatments before proceeding, “I see you were diagnosed with acute panic disorder by the second doctor, you’ve had approximately a dozen attacks before your agoraphobia and you were on medication at one point. Most of the results from the medical tests your first doctor had run are within normal parameters. There’s no definitive diagnosis from her here though regarding your attacks. You seem to have low blood pressure. Were you aware of that?” She didn’t pause to let her answer, “How comfortable are you with discussing your attacks and the reason or reasons you have them?”

  Niav didn’t miss a beat, “I was on medication but it made me feel numb and empty so I stopped taking it. I’d rather not take anymore. I’ve always had low blood pressure and low body temperature. I can discuss the attacks but slowly.”

  The petite blonde handed the files back to Niav. She also gave her a multi-page questionnaire, “That's a questionnaire of my own for you. You don’t have to fill it out right now. Take your time and think about your answers. I’ll collect it from you at our next session if you choose to continue with me. If you don't want to continue with me fill it out anyway. You may learn something about yourself. Can you tell me about the first attack you remember?”

  Before Niav could reply Anselle squeezed Niav’s hand, “I think it’s time for me to go.” When Niav tugged her hand Anselle turned to her girlfriend, “You’ll be okay, yeah? I’m a phone call away.” Niav nodded for the third time and both women rose from the sofa and headed for the door, “I’ll be home usual time. I love you.” They kissed good-bye, Niav closed the door with a sigh and returned to the sofa.

  Niav proceeded to tell her about the attack she had at the Christmas fair while she made notes. When she was done she was a bit out of breath and a little light headed. Elise asked her how she was feeling and she made note of the symptoms. She needed to learn how hard she could push her into revealing details but today wasn't the day for pushing.

  Elise waited for Niav to calm down before telling her, “I’m pretty sure I can help you. I would like to prescribe something for you but since you’re hesitant we can revisit that issue when you’re further along in treatment. If you’re willing I can start helping you today. What do you think?”

  “I think I’d like that,” Niav smiled as she listened to her advice. She could do what she asked, she was sure of it.

  ***

  Anselle got home that evening and she was surprised to find Niav’s coffee table on the landing outside the flat door with place settings for two including two bottles of beer, candelabra with candles unlit and the cushions from the sofa on the floor around it. Curiosity peeked Anselle entered Niav’s flat to see the brunette in the kitchen finishing dinner, “Moving out?”

  “Huh? Oh, ha-ha, no, of course not.” Niav continued to spoon roasted potatoes into a serving dish.

  Anselle set down her briefcase before taking the serving dish from Niav. “Take that to the table, please. Thank you,” Niav kissed Anselle hello, “the one in the hall, please. Thank you. And if you wouldn’t mind can you light the candles then you
can have a seat. I’ll be right behind you.”

  Anselle did as requested with the potatoes and sat on one of the cushions. She waited patiently, taking sips of her beer until Niav appeared with a smaller serving bowl and a small serving tray. Niav used tongs to serve Anselle and herself pork chops stuffed with spinach, spicy Italian ham and provolone cheese before using a spoon to serve up the roasted potatoes and sautéed zucchini. The woman stacked the bowls on top of the tray and set them on the floor.

  When Niav began to eat without offering an explanation Anselle asked, “Are you going to tell me what this is all about?”

  Niav grinned and put down her fork, “Dr. Elise said that she wanted me to take small steps toward going outside again. She suggested doing something I was comfortable with as I got closer and closer to the door. So today I decided to have dinner in the hallway. She’s nice. I really like her.”

  “That’s great Niav. Pretty soon we’ll be picnicking on the sidewalk.” Anselle held out her beer and Niav clinked her bottle against Anselle’s.

  It was a very romantic setting; just the two of them across from each other in the candle light sitting on the floor, soft music emanating from the flat, Anselle almost wished there wasn’t a table between them. Anselle put her beer down and held her hand out across the table, “I’m so proud of you Niav. I’m so glad I moved in here and found you. I love you.”