The Strawberry Heart Page 14

  “Okay.” Niav liked this idea and decided to start right away. She unclipped the pen from the top where Elise had attached it and wrote the date on the first page. After that she added ‘starting again – 1st step, to get better, nervous but determined’. She shifted around to face the stairs, uncrossed her legs and dangled her ankles over the edge. The brunette took a few deep breaths, told herself that she was safe and looked back at Elise. She smiled and nodded her encouragement. She slid herself forward until her legs were most of the way over the edge then gently lowered herself down onto the first step. She reopened the book and wrote ‘successful 1st step’.

  ***

  By the time Anselle arrived back home Niav was struggling. The woman had made it a little less than halfway down the stairs because she was afraid despite telling herself that she was safe and that Lisa was far away. After Elise left she wasn’t sure anymore what she was supposed to write in the journal so she had been writing ‘failure’ after every aborted attempt to make it to the halfway point. She had been experiencing most of her attack symptoms to some degree but she was able to calm herself by returning to her flat before she passed out. After the sixth attempt she gave up and distracted herself with work, ordering groceries, making dessert, talking to Gina and receiving a special delivery surprise for Anselle.

  Anselle held her and told her that she shouldn’t punish herself for not being able to make it the whole way in one day; that what she went through was traumatic even though it didn’t seem like it at the time and she had to let herself heal. Anselle told Niav that she knew she could do it, that she had faith in her and that she loved her. The brunette was still depressed but she agreed to keep trying and said she’d also try to be easier on herself.

  It was the first night Anselle was supposed to cook on her own so Niav had put all the ingredients necessary in Anselle’s kitchen to make it a little easier for her. On the menu for dinner was Balsamic Chicken with Baby Spinach. Anselle didn’t want Niav to watch so she sent the brunette back to her own flat to finish dessert. After a number of deep breaths and a false start or two and a glass of wine she finally began. The first step was to find all the ingredients listed on the recipe and measure them out into the required amounts. The last entry on the recipe, prepared couscous, stumped her so she ran to Niav’s to ask if she should make that first. The answer was yes, she should.

  Once the couscous was done (according to package directions) she started on the entrée. A large sauté pan was heated over medium-high. She added olive oil and let it heat up for a minute or two before adding the chopped garlic and stirring. Anselle didn’t like the look of the garlic after a minute (it was black) so she removed the pan from the heat and ran back to Niav’s. Niav wanted to see but Anselle wouldn’t let her so the woman sighed and told her to start again but not to let the oil heat for too long.

  Anselle returned to her kitchen and chopped three move garlic cloves, dumped the firsts batch of burned garlic and oil into the sink, washed the pan and started again. This time she only heated the oil for 30 seconds before adding the garlic but the same thing happened. She decided that garlic wasn’t really necessary for the dish, dumped the mess into the sink, washed the pan and started for the third time but skipped the garlic part (Niav would never know). She heated the pan, added the oil, placed the chicken in the pan and set the timer for 5 minutes. When the timer dinged she turned the chicken over and set the timer for another 5 minutes. As the time runs down she wondered how she was supposed to know if the chicken was really cooked. The recipe said that the juices should run clear so she took out a fork and stuck it into one of the chicken breasts. The juices didn’t appear to be clear to her so she added two more minutes to the time. The timer went off and she poked the other breast but the juices still didn’t appear clear. She didn’t want the chicken to burn on the one side so she flipped it over again and set the timer for another 3 minutes. The next time she pierced a breast with the fork the juices ran clear; she removed the chicken from the pan and set it aside. She put the baby spinach into the hot pan and stirred until it was wilted; she removed that from the pan and set it aside. The heat was lowered to medium and she poured in the balsamic vinegar and chicken broth scraping the bottom of the pan to remove any browned bits. The tomatoes were added the mixture was brought to a simmer and cooked for 5 minutes. Just before she plated up the food she called to Niav to let her know the meal was done.

  When Niav entered Anselle’s flat she saw the blushing blonde holding out two dishes with chicken, spinach and tomatoes. “Um….isn’t there supposed to be couscous too?”

  “Oh, right. I forgot.” Anselle put the plates back on the counter and spooned out some of the couscous for each of them.

  As they ate Anselle watched Niav’s face carefully for signs. The woman knew she was being watched so she deliberately kept her face as neutral as possible as she told her lover about that day’s session with Elise. Finally, Anselle couldn’t take it anymore, “Well! What do you think?”

  Niav thought the chicken was a little dry and that the garlic was suspiciously missing but she said, “I think it’s wonderful. You did a great job. Thank you.”

  Anselle beamed with pride but still asked, “Are you sure it’s okay?”

  “It’s fine, Anselle.”

  “Only ‘fine’?”

  Niav rolled her eyes, “It’s wonderful, spectacular, stupendous, marvelous, a work of culinary genius, a masterpiece of epic proportions.” She looked up at her partner, “Is that better?”

  Anselle smirked, “You’re not funny. You’re cute but you’re not funny.”

  “I think I’m very funny and very cute," she stuck her tongue out at Anselle.

  With a wink Anselle replied, “I can think of something better you can do with that tongue.”

  Niav blushed, “Let’s go to mine for dessert and I have a surprise for you and then you can show me what you want me to do with my tongue.”

  “A surprise? What is it?” Niav's tongue was quickly forgotten.

  “If I tell you it won’t be a surprise. Just bring the dirty dishes and I’ll wash them in the morning.”

  “You’re so good to me.” She pulled Niav over for a kiss before quickly stepping back, “enough of that. I want my surprise.” The two women collected the dishes and the frying pan and head for Niav’s.

  After the dishes were put in the sink and the frying pan was filled with hot, soapy water to soak Anselle made grabby hands at Niav, “My surprise. Gimmie, gimmie.”

  Niav raised an eyebrow at her grabby girlfriend, “Dessert and coffee first. I made mini, strawberry, cheesecakes.”

  ***

  The dessert dishes were placed in the sink with the dinner dishes and the two were finishing their coffee in the living room when Anselle brought up her surprise again, “Now?”

  “You're like a kid at Christmas but okay. Wait here.” Niav went into the bedroom and came out with a large package wrapped in brown paper. “I hope you like it.”

  Anselle laid the package down; it was about six feet long and about two feet wide, on the dining table to unwrap it. She saw the black frame at once and as she unwrapped it further she recognized the pictures as the ones her mother sent her from New Zealand. All of the photos had been cropped so they were four by four squares instead of four by six rectangles. Most of them were laid side by side overlapping by less than one quarter of an inch and every so often one picture was set on its corner like a diamond. There were two rows of pictures which graduate in tone; the first ones being light (a dew coated spider web, clouds) the last ones being dark (lightning flashing in a dark, stormy sky). Anselle was speechless as she gaped at the pictures and the beauty of the layout.

  Niav explained that she spent days picking out the pictures she liked the most, called a framer that Gina recommended and they discussed the best way to lay them out. “Anselle?”

  “Yes, love.”

  “Do you like it?”

  “Like it? Niav, I love it.
I can’t get over it. It’s beautiful. Thank you.” Anselle opened her arms and Niav stepped into the embrace, “Thank you so much.”

  “I was going to save it for your birthday but it’s so far away and you’ve helped me so much……I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Anselle held out the prescription bottle but Niav wouldn't even look at it. “Niav,” Anselle sighed, “please. It’s not a punishment. Elise says these will help you. You shouldn’t have the side effects you had before. And you don’t have to take them forever just a few weeks.”

  Niav looked up at her girlfriend, tears welling up in her eyes, “They remind me that I’m a failure.”

  “You’re not a failure. The set-back is not your fault. You just need a little assistance to get over this hurdle. You’ve been beating yourself up for weeks. Please, Niav won’t you even try?” She wanted to add ‘do it for me’ but she didn’t; Niav had to do it for herself. When the woman didn’t make a move to take the bottle Anselle tossed it onto the sofa next to her. Niav picked the bottle up and threw it toward the kitchen. They heard the bottle hit the floor and thankfully it didn’t pop open and spill the pills all over. “Okay,” Anselle sighed again, “If you’re not going to do anything to help yourself….If you’re just going to lie there and feel sorry for yourself…..” Anselle grabbed her keys and turned to leave, “I’m going to Gina’ for dinner. I’ll see you later.”

  “That’s right leave. I always knew you would. You’re just like everybody else.”

  Anselle didn’t hear those last words; she was already gone.

  ***

  Gina found Anselle at the bar working on her third beer, “To what do I owe the honor of this visit?”

  “Niav and I had a little thing.”

  “A thing? A fight?”

  “Not quite a fight. I’d say it was a pre-fight. I left before it could escalate. Dr. Elise gave her a prescription today and she doesn’t want to take them. She’s been depressed, irritable; she’s not sleeping or eating. She hasn’t even tried to go down the stairs in days. I’m afraid she’s giving up. I couldn’t sit and watch her beat herself up tonight. Gina, what am I supposed to do?”

  “You’re not supposed to do anything. You do what you feel is right. But you need to tell her how you’re feeling.”

  “I shouldn’t ask this but maybe you can talk to her? She likes you. She respects you. It’s okay if you say no. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to get further involved.”

  “Of course I’ll talk to her. I’ll stop by tomorrow before I come here.”

  “Thanks. This is all Lisa’s fault. If she had just talked to me. Why, Gina? Why did she do it? Niav didn’t do anything to her.”

  “You should talk to Lisa.”

  “I can’t. What if Niav can’t bounce back from this, Gina? What if….” Anselle choked back a sob, “It’s hard sometimes.”

  Gina put an arm around Anselle’s shoulders, “I know.”

  ***

  It was late when Anselle got back to the flats. She went to enter Niav’s but the door was locked. It hurts but she wasn't about to let the artist get off that easy. She took out her key and unlocked the door. She removed her clothes in the bathroom leaving on her boxer-briefs before slipping into the bedroom and sliding into the bed to spoon Niav from behind. The brunette shifted in her hold, “Anselle?”

  “Yes, love.”

  “You came back,” surprise was evident in Niav’s voice.

  Anselle kissed Niav’s temple, “Of course I did.”

  “Why?”

  “Why?” another kiss, “Because I love you.”

  “But you left.”

  “I didn’t leave you Niav. I left the apartment. I just didn’t want to argue with you. It hurts to see you this way but I’m not going anywhere. You’re not a failure. I wish you could believe that and trust that Elise knows what she’s doing and that we all only want you to get better.”

  “You want me to take the pills. You don’t know what it was like the last time. I couldn’t feel anything. I won’t love you on them.” Niav buried her face in her pillow.

  “What do you mean, Baby? Why would you stop loving me?”

  The woman turned around to look Anselle in the eye, “I won’t feel anything.” Niav put her hand on her lover’s cheek, “I won’t be happy or sad. I’ll be empty. I won’t feel love. I won’t feel it for you or from you.”

  “Then I’ll love you more and more. I’ll make sure you know it in your heart and in your head. I’ll tell you with words and show you with actions. I love you, Niav and I know you love me.” Anselle put her hand over Niav’s on her cheek and interlaced their fingers. “I won’t leave you. I’ll see you through this. I promise.”

  After just a moments though Niav said, “Okay. I’ll take the pills.”

  Anselle leaned forward for a quick kiss but Niav wouldn’t let her pull away.

  Niav made love like she was saying ‘good-bye’. When tomorrow came nothing would be the same despite what Anselle thought. Things were going to change and not for the better. Once Anselle saw the change, felt the change she would leave. So, Niav said ‘good-bye’ while she could still feel something for the girl she loved.

  Anselle could feel the change in Niav and it broke her heart. She kissed away Niav’s tears and tried to reassure her lover with gentle touches and whispered words but nothing seemed to work. Anselle felt her lover slipping away while still in her arms. As she held her weeping lover she hoped she hadn’t made a terrible mistake in convincing her take the pills.

  ***

  Gina had been stopping by every day since seeing Anselle in the bar the evening of the ‘pre-fight’. She had been witness to Niav’s changes over the last few days and she was worried. The woman seemed tired, uncoordinated and her speech was slightly slurred. Gina talked about the restaurant and tried to get Niav to laugh but the artist only smiled.

  Niav had made it to the bottom of the stairs and sat with the door open again. She had a new sketch pad in her lap and a set of colored pencils next to her. Gina was sitting on the step behind the artist watching over her shoulder. Neither girl realized there was somebody standing inside the doorway until she spoke, “Niav. Hello.”

  Niav looked up, “Hello, Evelyn.”

  Behind the artist, Gina cleared her throat when Niav made no move to introduce her she did it herself, “Hi. I’m Gina, a friend.”

  “It’s nice to meet you. I’m Evelyn, Niav’s boss from the art department.” The woman shook Gina’ outstretched hand and returned her attention to the artist, “Niav, maybe we should go upstairs and talk.”

  “I’m fine here.” The artist chose another colored pencil and continued shading the sketch she had been working on.

  Gina could hear the lack of emotion in her young friend’s voice.

  “Okay,” Evelyn continued, “I came to check on you because you’ve missed a deadline and you’re not returning my calls. Do you have the sketches for the Norton book?”

  “Sure.” Niav handed Evelyn the sketch book, stood and climbed the stairs.

  Gina watched Niav leave, “I’m sorry about that. She’s not herself lately.”

  Evelyn raised an eyebrow, “So I see. She’s never missed a deadline before.”

  “How much do you know about her condition?”

  Evelyn stopped looking through the sketches and sat on the step Niav had vacated, “I know enough.”

  “Her doctor has put her on medication after she had a set-back. She’s going to start weaning her off of it but the side effects have taken their toll on her.”

  “I’ve known Niav for a long time. She’s one of my most talented and valued artists. I’m glad she’s getting help again. These sketches aren’t her best; the usual spark is not present but I’ll tell the author that they’re just rough drafts. Hopefully she’ll buy it and Niav will be able to come back to herself in time to do the final drawings. I don’t want to rip the
sketches out of the book,” she stood up, “I’ll have to go up and ask her to scan them and email them to me.”

  Gina followed Evelyn up the stairs and into Niav’s to find her asleep on the sofa. “I’m afraid drowsiness is one of the side effects. Do you know how to operate her scanner?”

  “I can probably figure it out.” She went over to Niav’s workstation and examined the scanner.

  “Can I get you something to drink while you figure? Maybe you can stay for lunch? I’ve been cooking lunch for her or she won’t eat until Anselle, Niav’s girlfriend, gets home and makes dinner. It’s nothing fancy just salad or soup and sandwiches.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure. It will be nice for her to have someone else here. I’m running out of stories to tell her.”

  Evelyn watched Gina from the dining room, “Can I help with anything?”

  “No, thank you. I have a routine going these last few days. She usually nods off around this time every day. I wake her up to eat and make sure she takes her afternoon pill, she’ll work a little bit more and then I leave for work. Anselle says when she gets home Niav’s usually out cold again.”

  “What do you do?” She got the scanner set up but Niav’s laptop was password protected so she couldn't proceed any further, “I’ll have to wait for her to wake up to do the rest.”

  Gina answered the question she had asked, “I own, manage and am head-chef at my own restaurant.”

  “Which restaurant?”

  “Gina’ Steakhouse.”

  “Oh? I’ve been there. I’m not a big steak eater but I had the best steak I ever had there.”

  “Stop. I’m blushing,” she really was.

  The two chatted about their jobs while Gina finished making salad and sandwiches for three. When she was done Niav was gently woken and the three settled down to eat. They tried to engage the woman in conversation but she only replied with one word answers, nods or shakes of her head. When they were done eating Gina washed the dishes while Niav scanned the sketches and emailed them to Evelyn. Gina waited for Evelyn to be done speaking to the artist before she gave Niav a big hug, said good-bye and promised to return the next day.