The Strawberry Heart Page 15

  Evelyn and Gina walked down the stairs and out together. She turned, “It was very nice meeting you. Thank you again for lunch. How soon did you say Niav will be taken off the medication?”

  “It was very nice meeting you too and you’re welcome. Anselle said her doctor was going to start with her next visit on Monday.”

  “I hope everything works out for her. I’d hate to have to make another visit like this one, professionally I mean.”

  “I understand. Maybe I’ll see you at the restaurant soon.”

  “Maybe,” she smiled up at her.

  ***

  When Anselle got home her lover was passed out on the sofa like she had been since she started taking the medication. The blonde was worried about the side effects her lover had been experiencing. Elise had said that the side effects wouldn’t be so bad and Anselle thought that if this wasn’t so bad she’d hate to see what bad looked like. She knelt next to the sofa to kiss her lover awake, “Hello, my love.”

  Niav smiled and leaned into Anselle’s touch, “Hello. Is it that time already?”

  “Yes, love. Are you hungry? Or maybe we can try going out again?”

  Niav shrugged but let herself be pulled up from the sofa. Halfway to the door she stopped, “Anselle?”

  “Yes, love.”

  “Can you just hold me for a while?” Niav had tears in her eyes. She hated how she felt or in her case, didn’t feel.

  “Of course, love, for as long as you need.”

  The two sat on the sofa and Anselle took Niav in her arms. Anselle reminded Niav of their love like she had promised; caressing the woman’s back and threading her fingers through the curly, brown locks, while whispering how much they love each other.

  When Niav was calmer Anselle turned the focus back to basics, “Are you hungry, Baby? Want to help me make something?”

  Niav agreed to help and Anselle was glad her girlfriend was taking an interest in something other than sleeping.

  Scallop and Spinach Salad with Bacon Vinaigrette seemed pretty easy to make so Anselle had asked Niav to order scallops. Like Niav taught her, Anselle prepared all the ingredients before they started cooking; bacon – chopped; red onion – sliced thin (Niav did the onion); sugar, cider vinegar, whole-grain mustard, sea scallops, salt, pepper, vegetable oil and baby spinach. The bacon was cooked and removed from the pan to drain on a paper towel-lined plate. The onion and sugar cooked in the bacon fat until softened. The vinegar and mustard completed the salad dressing which was kept warm in a covered bowl while the scallops were seasoned with salt and pepper and cooked in the cleaned out skillet. The spinach was tossed with the dressing and plated before being topped with the scallops and bacon.

  After dinner Anselle again asked Niav if she wanted to try and go outside, maybe for ice-cream. To Anselle’s surprise Niav agreed again. They made their way down the stairs with no problem but Niav stalled at the doorway, “It’s okay, Baby. I’m right here. I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you. Nobody is going to laugh or point at you. People will only look at you because you’re gorgeous and they’re wondering what you’re doing with a troll like me.”

  Niav smiled at Anselle’s attempt to ease her, “You’re so silly. You know you’re hot.” She opened the door and the two just stood there for a few minutes before Anselle took Niav’s hand and led her out the door.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Not many people are on the street on the hot summer night preferring the air conditioning indoors so the trip to the ice-cream shop is uneventful but Niav refused to go inside; complaining about the amount of people she could see through the front window of the small shop and even though she wasn't feeling attack symptoms Niav wouldn’t be swayed. Anselle made Niav promise she wouldn’t stray from the bench outside the shop and ran in to get them their treats. It took longer than Anselle expected to buy the ice-cream; vanilla with chocolate jimmies for Niav and black cherry for herself; but Niav was still on the bench when she came out. The blonde was a little annoyed with her girlfriend especially when she saw the way the other was sitting on the bench, this was something they were supposed to do together; the first time Niav had been outside; they were supposed to be happy.

  Niav’s eyes were squeezed shut; her head was down; she was leaning forward; her elbows on her knees; her hands balled into fists and resting at her temples. She was silently praying that nobody tried to talk to her or God forbid touch her. She felt someone sit tight up against her on the bench. The woman; eyes still closed, turned to face the girl next to her “Anselle?”

  “Of course it’s me,” Anselle snapped. “Here, take your ice-cream. What’s wrong?”

  “You know,” Niav said softly feeling like a chastised child as she took the cone from her lover’s hand but not really wanting it anymore.

  “I only think I know. I want you to tell me.”

  “I’m afraid that if I look around I’ll see everyone looking at me. I’ll see in their eyes that they know there’s something wrong with me and they’ll pity me,” she rested her head on the blonde’s shoulder.

  Anselle put her arm around her girlfriend, “There’s more, isn’t there? Please don’t make me pry it out of you, just tell me.” It was hot; Anselle was cranky and there was ice-cream dripping onto her hand faster than she could lick it off.

  “I don’t want to see her again but she’s your friend and if I look around she’ll be there and she’ll do something to me again. I don’t want to have any more setbacks. I want to be off these drugs.”

  “Niav, no friend of mine would’ve done what she did to you. I told Gina that there isn’t a choice to be made here. I love you. If Lisa has a problem with you or how much time I spend with you then she should’ve said something to me instead of taking it out on you. She knows what could’ve happened to you when she did what she did,” Anselle stood and held out her hand to the brunette.

  Niav hesitated but took her lover's hand as she rose from the bench and thought for a moment about what could’ve happened and she shivered, “I’m thankful Gina was there. She doesn’t have to come over every day either but she does. She’s a really good friend.” They walked along in silence for a block before Niav remembered something, “You never mentioned the pieces she’s hung on the walls. How do they look?”

  Anselle halted her steps, “Who? What pieces? What walls? You’re walls? My walls? I didn’t notice any new pieces,” Anselle was starting to get frustrated at having to play twenty questions.

  Niav rolled her eyes and licked at her ice-cream as she tried to keep an avalanche of jimmies from slipping onto her hand, “No, silly, the restaurant. Gina has several framed collages of your photographs. The black and white one is especially nice. I haven’t seen them in person, just pictures Gina sent me. They look really good. When I was talking to her about the one I was doing for you I said that there was a lot of pictures left. She said to have more collages made and she’d hang them in the restaurant. I had them delivered straight to her because I thought if I saw them framed I wouldn’t want to give them up. You didn’t notice them, did you?”

  “I was too busy trying to get drunk the last time I was there and she didn’t mention them. Maybe we can go over for dinner and we can see them together. What do you think?”

  Niav wanted to be excited but she just couldn’t because of the medication. She had looked at the gallery photos of the steakhouse on-line and she really wanted to go, maybe surprise Gina, she just couldn’t do anything but smile even though her smile looked almost like a frown. She hoped Anselle understood, “Anselle?”

  The blonde will never get tired of hearing the way Niav says her name but for some reason that night Anselle had a short fuse, “What?”

  Niav noticed the change from Anselle’s usual response of ‘yes, love’ but asked, “Is it okay if I don’t have any more of this?” She held the cone out to Anselle.

  “Niav, you don’t have to ask. If you don’t want any more throw it away.” They both threw their half-eaten co
nes into a trash bin. Anselle though she knew exactly how to get out of her bad mood. She grabbed Niav around the waist and pulled the woman to her. She tilted her head up to kiss along Niav’s neck and jaw line, “Let’s go home,” she whispered in her girlfriend’s ear, “and go to bed.”

  Niav wanted to, she really did; she just didn’t feel it. She pulled back from her girlfriend and cupped Anselle’s face in her hands brushing her thumbs over cheekbones, “You deserve so much more than I can give you right now. This is the first time I’ve been outside in two years and it’s only because of the pills dulling my feelings. I should be happy and I can’t be. I want you too but I can’t feel the passion on the pills. I’m sorry.”

  Anselle knew she was not being rejected because Niav didn’t love her but it still stung. They hadn’t been intimate since the night Niav agreed to take the pills and she missed their physical closeness. She couldn’t hide the disappointment and frustration in her voice as she removed Niav’s hands from off her face, “It’s okay, Baby. I can wait.”

  The woman sighed, “You shouldn’t have to wait. I’m sorry I’m so messed up right now.”

  Anselle reminded herself that everything would be back to ‘normal’ over the next week or two but it was hard for her to hold her tongue, “Niav, stop being such a martyr all the time. Everything is going to be fine. You’ll see.”

  “A martyr? Is that how you see me?” Niav knew she should be angry but she felt nothing; walking away was the only thing she could do.

  Anselle quickly caught up and stopped her girlfriend with a hand to the arm, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m hot and cranky. I don’t know why I said it. Let’s just go home. Alright?”

  Niav shrugged out of Anselle’s grip and drew back, “It’s not alright. I’ve told you from the start that you deserve somebody normal. You said you’d be here for me, through everything and now I find out that you think I act like a victim. This isn’t an act Anselle. This is the way I am. I don’t get days off. I’m doing the best I can. I told you I would be different while taking the pills and I am. You promised me to see me through it. If you can’t handle it let me know now so I can get over a broken heart while I can’t actually feel it.”

  Anselle watched in stunned silence as Niav walked away again. Now she knew what it felt like to be empty. Anselle caught up to her girlfriend just outside the house, “Niav. I love you. I’m sorry. I’m stupid, okay? I was hurt when you said you didn’t want to have sex with me. I miss you that way. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so touchy. Please, don’t walk away again. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m going to bed. You need to think about your expectations and the promises you made to me and decide if you still want to keep them. I wouldn’t blame you if you changed your mind. Good night.” Niav opened the front door and climbed the stairs to her flat leaving her girlfriend to stare after her.

  Just like that Anselle felt dismissed. She wondered how things got so out of control. They were going outside for the first time; they were supposed to be happy now she felt like they’re on the verge of breaking up. Yes, she was frustrated (and horny) and she shouldn’t have said what she did but she apologized; she didn’t really mean it. She had no explanation for her crankiness besides the hot weather. Her shoulders slumped and she climbed the stairs to her own flat to sleep alone for the first time in months.

  ***

  Niav slowly woke the next morning to very unfamiliar feelings and sounds. Her head and hand hurt like crazy and she was a little dizzy. There was a steady beeping that was very annoying and making her head ache even worse. She slowly looked around the hospital room; Anselle was asleep in a chair to her right and Gina in a chair at the foot of the bed. She looked down at herself; she had heart monitor pads on her chest and IV in her left hand, a bandage on her forehead and she was wearing a blue hospital gown. Emotionally she didn’t feel any different; she was still numb.

  Gina’ whispered voice brings Niav’s attention back, “Hey. How are you feeling?”

  “What happened? Why am I in hospital?”

  “You don’t remember?”

  Niav shook her head slowly, “The last thing I remember is saying ‘good night’ to Anselle and then climbing the stairs and going into my flat.”

  Anselle, wakened by Niav’s voice, sighed and ran her hands through her hair, “Your sliders were open and I was on my balcony because I couldn’t sleep. I heard a noise from your place. You didn’t answer when I was knocking and calling out for you so I let myself in. I found you on the floor in the kitchen, there was blood on the floor by your head, and you were passed out surrounded by broken glass and two empty wine bottles. I couldn’t wake you and your breathing was very shallow. I thought you were dying. What were you thinking drinking so much while on those pills? You shouldn’t have been drinking at all.” Anselle broke down and Gina knelt next to Anselle’s chair to comfort her.

  “I’m sorry, Anselle, I’m so sorry for everything,” Niav held out her hand but Anselle didn’t take it.

  “You have a concussion and stitches in your forehead. I hope you’re happy now. You almost killed yourself. If I hadn’t been on the balcony I wouldn’t have heard you fall. You could’ve died and the last thing we did was fight,” Anselle turned her face into Gina to hide her tears.

  “Please, Anselle. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Niav holds both arms out to Anselle.

  Gina took Anselle by the shoulders and guided her into Niav’s arms. Anselle collapsed onto the hospital bed on top of her girlfriend and cried, “I could’ve lost you. Don’t ever do anything like that again.”

  “I won’t, I won’t. I promise. I’m so sorry.” Niav rested her left hand on her girlfriend’s back and threaded the fingers on her right hand through the blonde’s hair.

  Niav spent two days in the hospital because of her concussion and the doctors concern about her drinking while on medication. When Anselle and Gina arrived to take the artist home Elise was in the room talking to the patient. Anselle introduced Gina to the doctor and an uncomfortable silence settled over the room. Niav asked Elise and Gina to excuse her so she could talk to Anselle. The two left the room and Anselle settled down on the bed next to her lover, “Elise had to come because they wanted to do a psychiatric evaluation on me because of the drugs and drinking. She had to sign some papers confirming that I was under her care and that what I did wasn’t intentional to the best of her knowledge.”

  Anselle and Niav had had a long talk about what had happened that night and had forgiven each other though it was still a touchy subject and was likely to be brought up again.

  “Elise is going to let me come off the meds. She’s really upset about what I did. She wants to set up a session with the both of us. Will you agree to come?”

  “Of course I will. Did she say why she wants us to have a session together?”

  “She said that it’s not unusual for couples to have some sessions together. She said that you may want to have some on your own too.”

  “That I’ll have to think about.” Anselle thought she had been doing a good job dealing with Niav’s disorder, until the other night anyway.

  Anselle called Elise back into the room and told her she had agreed to participate in some sessions with Niav but that she had to think about having sessions on her own. She said she understood and they made arrangements to meet at her office the following Wednesday evening if Niav was able to make it out. If she couldn’t make it out she would see them at the apartment. After she left Gina reentered the room, “I like her. She’s funny.”

  Niav and Anselle looked at each other; eyebrows raised, “Funny?”

  “Yeah, funny and nice,” Gina’ face reddened just a little but it was still seen by the couple on the bed.

  Niav smiled, “Are you crushing on my doctor? My boss will be jealous.”

  Anselle was clearly missing something, “Why would your boss be jealous?”

  “I met Evelyn, Niav’s boss, one day last week when she stopped by to c
heck on the status of some sketches Niav was working on. We chatted and she stayed for lunch.” Gina explained. Niav sent a grateful glance to the tall Englishman when she didn’t mention the missed deadline.

  Anselle frowned, “Oh, Niav, you never said she stopped by.” She felt like she missed out on an important event.

  Niav pulled her girlfriend down onto the bed, “I’m pretty sure it happened the same day we went for ice-cream.” It wasn't the day they went out, it wasn't the day they fought, it wasn't the night Niav almost killed herself, it was the day they went out for ice-cream. “I forgot about it until just now. Gina, you should ask her out.”

  “Evelyn or Elise?”

  Anselle winked, “Why not both?”

  “You girls are so funny. You should write comedy routines,” desperate to change the subject, Gina asked, “Can we leave now?”

  Niav explained how she has to wait for her new medications to arrive and then her doctor had to come by with ‘after-care instructions’ before she could leave. The wait wasn’t long and the doctor finally arrived to lecture Niav on the dangers of alcohol usage while on medication for what seemed like the hundredth time and handed her her discharge papers.

  ***

  Niav said she wasn't up for eating out so the three women returned to the flats where they made lunch and talked about everything but what they were feeling. Gina was teased mercilessly about Elise and Evelyn. Anselle asked why Gina didn’t show her the photo collages Niav had made for the restaurant. Gina told them to shut up about the ladies and explained to Anselle that the night she was there didn’t feel like the right time.

  After Gina left Niav and Anselle settled on the sofa in separate corners. Even though they had talked and forgiven things were tense between them now that there were no distractions. Niav wanted to check her laptop for work but didn’t want Anselle to feel ignored. Anselle wanted to grab a beer but didn’t want Niav to feel like she was throwing her ability to drink in her face. They just had lunch so making dinner was out. Going out was out because Niav was tired. They had never felt so uncomfortable around each other.