The Strawberry Heart Page 7

  Niav tilted herself back to her side of the bed but was stilled by a hand grabbing her right calf, “you give up too easily,” the blonde said with a grin; eyes still closed.

  Niav returned to her position straddling Anselle’s waist, hands on Anselle’s chest, “I thought you were never going to wake up. You’ve missed a dose of your medicine.”

  “You have me pinned to the bed and all you can think about is my medicine?”

  “You need to take your medicine to get better and I’m pretty sure you could throw me off quite easily if you wanted too.”

  “Probably, if I was well. Right now I don’t think I could lift a cup of coffee.” But oh, how she wanted to flip them over, slot herself between Niav’s legs and do wonderful things to her. She reminded herself that Niav wanted to go slow. So, slow she would go.

  “Still achy?” Niav folded her arms across Anselle’s chest then laid her body down so her chin was resting on her hands.

  “Yes. Probably will be for a few more days. How are you feeling?” Anselle ran her hands through Niav’s matted yet still curly hair massaging the scalp lightly.

  “Better.”

  “Can you tell me what happened?” Anselle knew she had to tread carefully. She didn’t want Niav shutting her out again.

  Niav pouted, “I….don’t want too.” She turned her face into Anselle’s chest.

  “It’s okay. You’re safe here. I won’t let go.” Anselle stopped her massaging and wrapped her arms around the brunette as tightly as she could.

  Niav took a deep breath, “I heard Gina ask you if you had talked to me yet and then you started signaling for Lisa to leave.” Another deep breath, “I thought you were mad at me for inviting them over without telling you and I thought you were going to yell at me and then you would leave me.”

  Anselle felt Niav’s tears soaking into her shirt as the younger girl trembled in her arms, “I was a little upset at first, Matt. I mean, I don’t want you to think that I would ever use you. You’ve done so much for me these last few days. I never would’ve asked you to do more especially just to satisfy Lisa’s ridiculous need to have her choice on brunch day.” Anselle felt the body on top of her relaxing so she went back to massaging. “How did you get Gina’ cell number, anyway?”

  “I got it from your phone yesterday when you fell asleep on the sofa after you talked to Lisa.” Niav stretched herself to give Anselle a kiss. “I like Gina, she’s nice. Lisa is very funny. And they liked my food.”

  “They liked you. I like you.”

  “I like you too.” The couple kissed again; this time with more passion but Anselle had to stop when Niav started to grind her hips down.

  “Niav, we can’t. I can’t. I want too. God, do I want too but I can’t. I’m still aching from the flu and my energy level is so low. I’m sorry.”

  Niav bit her bottom lip and said, “It’s alright. It’s just been so long since I’ve been with someone. I guess I got carried away.”

  Anselle chuckled, “You have my permission to get carried away when I’m feeling better. There is something else we need to talk about anyway.”

  Niav looked down quizzically, “What?”

  “I’d like you to tell me why you shut me out last Sunday.” Niav made a move to climb off but Anselle only let her get half way and held her tight with Niav’s head on her chest and their legs intertwined, “please Niav. I think it would help you.”

  Niav began trembling again as tears welled up in her eyes, “I told you. I’m a mess. I still think you deserve somebody better than me.”

  It was not going at all how Anselle had wanted and she grew afraid that if Niav kept down that road she’d get shut out again, “I don’t want anybody else so just stop it with all that. But what I meant was why couldn’t you just talk to me about it? Why did you shut me out?”

  Niav couldn’t answer until her sobbing was under control so Anselle just held her and continued to massage whatever part of the woman she could touch. When she calmed down a little and between sobs she said, “I….I….couldn’t…..I….didn’t want to have another attack.”

  “You think that because you had an attack in front of me because I suggested going outside that you’d have another if you saw me again.”

  Niav sobbed, “Yes.”

  “You had an attack today. Do you feel the same way?”

  “No. This time I did it to myself.”

  “Niav, you know you can’t help it, right? It’s not your fault.”

  “It is my fault. I’m damaged.”

  “It’s not your fault. You can’t help what happens to you. You don’t have any control. It’s not like you want to have panic attacks, right?”

  “No,” Niav sniffled.

  Anselle wished she could take all of Niav’s pain away, “Can I ask you something?”

  “I guess.”

  “Have you been to a doctor about your disorder?”

  “Yes, a couple, in the beginning.”

  “They couldn’t help you?”

  “No. One of them sent me to the hospital and had all kinds of test run on me; on my brain and my heart. She had me fill out questionnaires and assessment forms. She kept saying that I couldn’t have panic attacks because they mostly happen to women and that there must be something else wrong with me. The second doctor wanted to try hypnosis because she was sure there was something in my childhood I was repressing. Another one I went to gave me drugs to take but they made me feel empty and numb. I couldn’t feel anything; not happy or sad or mad or excited; I felt nothing. So I stopped taking them then I had another attack.”

  Anselle felt like crying herself as her heart broke for the scared, younger Niav, “So you stopped going to the doctor?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t get near the door without panicking and running back into my flat.” Niav had begun to breathe heavier.

  “Are you willing to try another doctor?”

  Niav moaned, pulled her hand from Anselle’s chest and placed it on her head, “Anselle.”

  “It’s alright, you’re safe. I’ve got you. You still have your job. You’re lucky there.” Anselle changed the subject before another attack set in.

  “My boss is very understanding. She has a few artists working from home so it wasn’t a problem to just let me work from home too.” Niav began to calm down since the talk had turned from her disorder to her work.

  Both women were silent for a while lost in their own thoughts. Anselle thought about how she could get Niav to open up more without causing her to have another attack or pull away again and Niav about wanting to open up but being afraid to have another attack or drive Anselle away. They both thought about falling in love. “Anselle, can I ask you a question?”

  “Of course. You can ask me anything.”

  “What do you want for dinner?”

  CHAPTER NINE

  It was late and Anselle was exhausted by the time she returned to her flat after her first day back at work. The only thing she wanted to do was crawl into her bed. She hadn’t make any plans with Niav for the night because she wasn’t sure when she’d be home; thinking that she may have to work late to catch up with her accounts properly. She was just about to walk into her bedroom when she thought she heard tentative tapping on her door. Anselle peered through the peephole and saw Niav standing sheepishly in the hall holding a baking dish. Anselle opened the door and let the woman inside.

  “I made lobster mac and cheese if you want to share with me. I just need to heat it up.” Niav held out the covered dish but she could see the fatigue on the shorter girl’s face and in her posture. She brought the dish back to hold it against her chest, “I can…” but stopped herself then started again, “do you want…,” she finished with “we can have it tomorrow if you want. You look beat.”

  Anselle felt so bad and she’d normally suck it up and tell a friend to stay but tonight she was just too done in, “I’m sorry, Niav. Definitely tomorrow though, okay?”

  Niav tried not to frown but
she couldn’t help it and Anselle thought she should’ve just sucked it up. Anselle walked her friend to the door and turned her face up to meet Niav in a kiss. They said their ‘see ya tomorrows’ and Anselle closed the door. She didn’t make it back to her bedroom before there was more tapping on her door.

  “I’m so sorry, Anselle. I forgot my keys and can’t get into my flat. I don’t have my phone either so I can’t call the landlord to come and open it for me. Can I use your phone? I’m sorry for bothering you. I know you’re tired. I’m sorry.” Niav looked so pitiful with her apologizing Anselle couldn’t help but smile.

  “How about this?” Anselle asked “Are your kitchen sliders locked?”

  “No they’re open. You’re not thinking about what I think you’re thinking about are you?”

  “Sure why not? You need to get home. I need to get to bed. I’ll just hop over the rail, open the sliders and open the door for you. Easy as pie and you won’t have to wait for the landlord.” Anselle made a move towards her kitchen but a low moan from Niav stopped her.

  “You can’t…outside….over the…nonononono. Not over…outside,” Niav’s head was spinning; sweat had already beaded up on her forehead, she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself. “Nonononono. I…I can’t…b…b...breathe…can’t.” The woman took several stunted breaths. She felt tightness in her chest and cramping in her abs; she doubled over in pain as a wave of nausea washed over her. She felt something pulling at the baking dish in her hands but she couldn’t let go. Niav trembled; she tried to call out for Anselle but she couldn’t make a sound.

  Anselle took the baking dish from Niav’s hand just as the brunette swooned and dropped to the floor. ‘Wow’, she thought, ‘that was a bad one and it’s all my fault’.

  When Niav woke up she was in the same position she was in after the time she and Anselle had had brunch, lying on the floor with her head in Anselle’s lap. “Oh, no,” she’s so embarrassed to be in this position again she couldn’t help the tears that fell from her eyes. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to have dinner. I’m so sorry.” She couldn’t get up because her energy level was close to zero after a severe attack like that which took her breath away and she couldn’t look Anselle in the eye and see the disappointment or pity she knew must be there.

  “Hey, hey, no crying,” Anselle rubbed little circles over Niav’s heart. “You’re safe. It’s okay. I’m the one who should be apologizing. It was insensitive of me to even suggest doing that. I’m so sorry, Niav. I didn’t think about how it would affect you.” Anselle wiped Niav’s face with a towel blotting away sweat and tears. “Do you want sit up?”

  Niav nodded and Anselle helped her sit up, back to chest. Anselle wrapped her arms around the sobbing woman and pressed kisses into the brown curls. “Please stop crying. You’re okay. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

  “I need to lie down. Can you call the landlord? Please.” Niav could feel what remained of her energy draining away.

  “Come on, I’ll help you.” Niav shifted forward and Anselle wrapped her arms around the brunette’s chest and lifted her to her feet. “Put your arm around my shoulders.” Anselle held Niav around the waist with her right arm and her left hand held Niav’s left hand which was around her shoulders.

  Niav figured Anselle would help her to the sofa; instead she was led into the bedroom. “Nononononono, Anselle, I can’t. You can’t.”

  “Hush now. You know I have a huge bed. There’s plenty of room. I don’t mind sharing with you.” She sat Niav down on the bed and removed her shoes. “I know you won’t be comfortable sleeping in your jeans but I don’t want to make you more uncomfortable by assuming anything. Do you want me to help you take them off?”

  The woman let out a little whine but nodded. “Lay back on the bed,” Anselle instructed. Niav flopped back onto the bed and felt Anselle unhook the button and unzip her jeans. “Can you raise your hips for me?” Niav let the tears fall again; she had no more energy and couldn’t even help herself get undressed. She felt the bed dip next to her and Anselle’s hand on her chest, “Hey, please don’t cry. Please. I’ll help you, okay?” Anselle used her thumb to wipe the tears away. Anselle crawled off the bed and pulled down the blankets on Niav’s side, she then took the brunette’s hands to help her sit up. “I’m gonna stand you up. I know you’re tired but it will only be for a second while I slip your jeans down. On three,” Anselle hooked her arms under Niav’s, “one, two, three, up. Put your hands on me to balance yourself.” Niav held lightly to Anselle’s shoulders as she shoved the jeans down as far as she could without making Niav loose her balance. “Okay, now you can sit back down.” The blonde let the brunette sit on the bed then bent over to remove the jeans from around knees and ankles. Anselle guided Niav’s head down onto the pillows then helped get her legs under the covers. By the time Anselle brought the covers to Niav’s chest the brunette was asleep.

  Anselle kissed the sleeping woman on the forehead then got herself ready for bed but since it was still early she grabbed the book she was reading from her nightstand and went to sit in the living room. After reading a few chapters she put the book down and fired up her lap top. She googled ‘psychiatrists in London’. Anselle opened several websites but didn’t see what she was looking for. She added ‘panic attacks’ to the search. Most of the websites offered information or were for support groups. She found a few doctors and jotted down their names and telephone numbers. She also made a note of two London schools for psychiatrists thinking that one of them may be able to guide her in the right direction.

  The next time she looked at the clock it was after 11. After a trip to the bathroom she crept into the bedroom. Niav was in the same position she had left her in. Anselle carefully crawled onto the bed and became the big spoon once again. She listened to the slow intake and exhale of Niav’s breathing mixed with the gentle pit-pat of the spring rain on the bedroom window and let it lull her to sleep.

  ***

  When Anselle woke the next morning she had a sleeping woman’s head on her shoulder. She leaned over and placed her lips to the curly hair before trying to slip out of the bed. She thought she had been successful until she felt fingers lightly touch her shoulder. The blonde laid back down, “good morning.”

  “Morning,” Niav leaned over for a kiss but Anselle pulled away.

  “Morning breath,” Anselle held her hand over her mouth.

  “Don’t care,” Niav replied as she leaned over a little farther.

  ‘Why the hell not….’ Anselle leaned into the kiss. She felt Niav trying to deepen the kiss but she pulled away again, “I thought you wanted to take it slow.”

  “I’m sorry,” Niav blushed. “I just wanted you to know…I mean…I wanted to thank you for what you did for me.” She lay back down on the bed and threw an arm over her eyes and thought, ‘I don’t do anything but embarrass myself in front of her’.

  “Hey there,” Anselle tried to pry the arm from off Niav’s face, when she was unable to do so she tried to tickle it off by digging her fingers into the brunette’s sides.

  The brunette giggled and tried to roll away but she was held in place by Anselle’s strong hands, “stop...stop…I’m sorry…please, stop.” She tried to push Anselle off but wound up being straddled by the strong girl.

  Anselle took hold of the squirming woman’s wrists and pinned them to the bed, “there’s no reason to be sorry and if you want to thank me just say ‘thank you’. I don’t need for you to thank me like that, at least not until you’re really ready.” Anselle winked and climbed off the bed. “I have to get ready for work. My phone is there on the dresser if you want to call the landlord; even then you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. Got it?”

  “Got it. Thank you.” Niav lay in the bed until she heard the water start for Anselle’s shower. She got Anselle’s phone and left a voice mail for the landlord. She found her jeans folded on the chair next to the bed, pulled them on and went to explore the apartment. Wh
en she entered the kitchen she spotted the dish of lobster macaroni on the counter and frowned, ‘so much for that’, she thought as she emptied the food into Anselle’s trash can. After the dish was washed and left to dry in the rack she removed the bin liner from the trash can and tied it off, placing the bag by the front door. She returned to the kitchen and found a box of liners underneath the sink; she put a fresh one into the can. Niav looked into the fridge with the thought of making the blonde breakfast but except for a few bottles of beer, coffee creamer and two suspicious looking things wrapped in plastic the fridge was empty.

  “I haven’t gone shopping in a while,” surprising the other with her proximity. “Oh, sorry. Did you hurt yourself?”

  Niav yelped in alarm, “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

  “I said sorry. Did you hurt yourself though? It looked like you hit your head. Do you need me to kiss it all better?” Anselle stepped into the kitchen and right up to Niav.

  “You want to kiss it better? Where would you start?” golden-brown eyes met sparkling blue.

  Anselle caressed Niav’s left cheek, “I’d start here,” she lightly trailed down to the jaw line with the backs of her fingers, “then here,” her fingertips moved down to Niav’s collarbone, “then here”. She curled her fingers and moved to the other side, “then here,” the backs of fingers stroked the right cheek, “then here,” she thumbed over the woman’s lips, “then here.”

  Niav watched Anselle’s eyes follow the trail her fingers were taking. Anselle’s blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight coming through the sliders. Niav thought she’d never seen a more beautiful pair of eyes and probably never would.

  Anselle cupped her free hand behind Niav’s head and drew the taller girl down into a kiss. Anselle would’ve loved to back the brunette up against the kitchen counter and kiss her into tomorrow (as well as do some other things) but she was able to get herself under control and break-away, “we’re going to have to pick this up when I get home later. Did you call the landlord?”