The Strawberry Heart Page 8

  Niav was a little breathless, “I left a voicemail. I told her she’d be able to find me here. I hope that was okay.”

  “Of course it’s okay. I’m not going to make you sit in the hall until she comes to open your door. I told you, you can stay as long as you like. Make yourself at home. I should be home at the usual time. Want me to pick-up anything?”

  Niav was actually hungry but she couldn’t ask Anselle to get her something to eat, come back and then leave again. “No, thank you. I’m sure the landlord won’t be long.”

  “Take my phone in case you have to call her again. Or you can call me if you need something.” Anselle held out the phone. When Niav didn’t take it she stepped forward and slipped it into the woman’s back pocket. “I’ll see you when I get home.” Niav walked Anselle to the door, “do you want my keys too just in case?”

  “I’m sure I won’t be going anywhere. Have a good day at work. Make a lot of people a lot of money.” She smiled, handed the blonde the garbage bag and tipped her head down for a good-bye kiss.

  The work day couldn’t go fast enough for Anselle. All morning she daydreamed about Niav’s kisses and thought that she wouldn’t mind waking up to that every day. She chastised herself, ‘don’t get ahead of yourself. She wants to go slow. Don’t jump ahead. I still have to talk to her about her…um…condition..problem..illness..ailment..?’ She reminded herself that she had gotten her foot in the door but there was still a long way to go.

  Anselle finally got the opportunity to call Niav at lunch time. She stepped into an unoccupied conference room and dialed her own mobile number. The call was answered on the second ring, the voice on the other end sounded unsure, “hello? Mr Kelly’s phone.”

  “Hey! It’s me. I love the way you answered the phone, very professional. I’ll hire you if I ever need a secretary.” Anselle laughed.

  “You couldn’t afford me. And I prefer the term ‘personal assistant’ if you don’t mind.” Niav was so relieved that it wasn’t an important business call for Anselle. “What’s up? Are you calling to check up on me?”

  Anselle wanted to say so many things, ‘I miss you’, ‘do you miss me’, ‘how are you feeling’, ‘I’ve been thinking about your kisses’, but all she asked was, “did the landlord call back?”

  “Yeah, I got back into my place around 9, so things are good. I’ve been working on sketches for a new children’s book illustration but I don’t know how they are turning out.”

  Anselle could hear Niav’s frown through the phone, “why? What’s wrong with them?”

  “Umm…I’m having concentration problems and well, umm…” the woman sighed, “I’ll have to show you later. You’ll understand then.”

  “Come on. It can’t be that bad. Tell me,” Anselle was intrigued.

  “Solomonnn,” Niav drew the name out with a little whine.

  It was the cutest thing Anselle had ever heard, “aww, that’s too cute.” But she let up when she heard Niav huff a little, “okay, okay, I should be home around the usual time. I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay. Are you coming over for dinner? It’s sesame chicken with mixed veggies over rice.”

  “I’d love to. See you later, yeah?”

  “Yeah. Bye.”

  ***

  Niav heard Anselle coming up the stairs but she didn’t open the door to greet her. She thought she’d let Anselle relax for a while and come over in her own time. She wanted to be a ‘no-pressure-girlfriend’ if that’s what she was, she wasn’t sure. She went back to her sketching, not having any more luck than she did that afternoon.

  Anselle was surprised when Niav didn’t come out to meet her. She continued down the hall to her, put down her briefcase and took of her suit jacket. A tiny piece of her began to get worried for Niav. Anselle couldn’t hear the younger girl moving around her apartment and she had no mobile to call her with. She stepped out onto her balcony but her neighbor’s sliders were closed. Anselle was tempted to climb over the rail but Niav’s reaction to the suggestion of that was severe and Anselle didn’t want to chance it (especially if Niav was actually alright and saw her do it). Anselle grabbed her keys and went over to knock on her neighbor’s door, “Niav?”

  Anselle calmed down when she heard Niav shout from inside the apartment, “I’m coming!”

  When the door opened Anselle pulled Niav into her arms, “You had me worried.”

  “Why?” Niav replied innocently, “I got caught up sketching and I’m just starting dinner. It shouldn’t take long to make the chicken, which is marinating and steam the vegetables. The rice is already in the cooker. And then I was going to come over to see if you were ready.”

  Anselle breathed a sigh of relief, “You didn’t open your door to greet me and I couldn’t hear you moving around and your sliders are closed and I don’t have my mobile to call you….I guess….I…well…I guess I freaked. I was going to….” Anselle stopped herself from mentioning the balcony.

  “I’m okay. See? Everything is fine.” The taller girl ran her hands up and down the shorter girl’s back to soothe her. Anselle felt so good in her arms, so warm, almost familiar. Niav loosened her hold and took half a step back. Golden-brown eyes met worried blue; Niav bent her head down and brushed her lips lightly over Deans. “Come on. Help me make dinner.” She took the blonde’s hand and tried to lead her into the kitchen.

  “Show me the sketches first.” Anselle tightened her grip on the hand holding her and halted their steps.

  Niav rolled her eyes but agreed. Instead of the kitchen she led Anselle over to the drafting table. She left Anselle there to examine the sketches as she went into the kitchen to start dinner. Anselle looked down and her breath caught. There was one of a little boy sitting with her shoes untied, sucking a thumb and holding a teddy bear. There was one of a little boy pulling a toy wagon with a puppy in it. There was one of a little boy sitting under a tree trying to read a book but the book was upside down. There was one of a little boy wearing rain boots and jumping into a puddle. The last one was of a little boy holding out a coin in one hand and pointing to a missing tooth with the other. The little boy looked like her except, of course, younger. The same shape face, the same wavy hair and the same dimpled cheeks. The sketches were in charcoal the only color on the pages was the blue in the eyes. She picked up two of the sketches, being careful not to smudge them, and brought them to the kitchen. She held the drawings out to Niav, “these are amazing.”

  Niav beamed at her, “do you really like them? I wasn’t consciously sketching you but every time I finished one and looked at it, there you were. I thought about submitting them for approval but I wanted to ask you first if it was okay. Is it okay?”

  “Is it okay? Are you serious? Wow. I’m so flattered. These are wonderful.” She couldn’t take her eyes off the sketches in her hand.

  “These are rough sketches. I’ll scan them tomorrow and send off to my boss. If she approves them I’ll redo them in water colors for final submission but I’ll let you see them before I send them off to make sure you like them.” She took the sketch of the boy with the teddy bear from Anselle. “this one is my favorite.”

  “I like this one,” Anselle held out the sketch of the boy sitting under the tree reading the upside down book.

  “I thought about adding the puppy to that one. Like the boy was trying to read to her.” Niav pointed to the side of the boy where there was just enough room to add a puppy.

  “That would be so cute. I wish my mom could see these. She’d absolutely love them.”

  “I can email you the scans and you can send them to her. If you want.” Niav handed the teddy bear sketch back to Anselle.

  “Of course I want. Thank you. She’s gonna love them. I love them.” Anselle laid the drawings down and tilted her head up for a kiss. Again, Anselle wanted nothing more than to deepen the kiss and take it even further but Niav stepped away with a blush.

  Niav took Anselle’s hands, “I can feel your frustration and you have t
o believe me when I say I’m frustrated too but, I think you know, there are things we need to talk about before I can let things get any more intense. I hope you understand.”

  “Of course I understand and I can wait though it is getting very hard for me to keep my hands off you.” Niav blushed as Anselle winked at her.

  “I knew I was right about you; you’re nothing but trouble.” She winked back before she took Anselle’s hand and headed for the kitchen.

  Niav showed Anselle the recipe and gathered all the ingredients needed to make the sauce. Anselle measured everything out and stirred them together in a saucepan while the woman chopped the vegetables and put them into the steamer. Anselle then added the thickener, cornstarch dissolved in water, and stirred again until the sauce came back to a boil before setting the flame to low. After that Niav had her take the marinating chicken out of the fridge and drop the pieces into hot oil. When the pieces were golden brown she removed them with a slotted spoon and set them on paper towels to drain. She added the remaining chicken pieces to the oil and waited for them to brown. While Anselle waited Niav plated up some rice and vegetables. Once the rest of the chicken was done Niav let Anselle add it to the plates and spoon some sauce over the servings and carried the plates to the dining table. Niav poured herself some Sauvignon Blanc and retrieved a beer out of the fridge for Anselle.

  Anselle let Niav set the pace for conversation over dinner but the blonde could tell that her friend’s mind was elsewhere, more than likely on the conversation that was to come. They complimented each other on the dinner and talked about Anselle’s day and Niav’s interaction with the landlord, about Niav’s art and Anselle’s extensive DVD collection. Anselle was just about finished when she asked, “am I going to be hungry again in an hour?”

  The tension in Niav eased as she laughed, “I’ve never had the problem. Have you?”

  “No,” Anselle confessed, “not really. I thought it would make you laugh. I can see you’re stressed. You have a very nice laugh, by the way.”

  Niav blushed but didn’t look away, “thank you. We can have dessert and talk in the living room if you’d like.”

  “I’d like. What’s for dessert?”

  “Strawberries with fresh, whipped, heavy cream.”

  Anselle narrowed her eyes at her friend, “Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m getting the feeling that you like strawberries.”

  “I love them!” Without warning Anselle found herself on the receiving end of an enthusiastic embrace and kiss. Niav quickly withdrew, “sorry. I really love strawberries.”

  Anselle caught her breath, “you don’t ever have to apologize for liking strawberries or kissing me. In fact, if that’s what I get for just mentioning strawberries, I’ll bring you baskets of them, every day!”

  CHAPTER TEN

  The dessert dishes and empty mugs remained on the coffee table while the two women sat on the sofa, each in her own corner facing the other. Anselle wanted to bring up the research she had done on psychiatrists but they were having such a comfortable time she didn’t want to upset everything. She held out her arms and Niav snuggled into her, “this is nice.”

  “Mm hm, it is,” Niav replied with just a hint of sleepiness in her voice. “Anselle?”

  “Yes?”

  “What are you going to do with all those photos your mom sent?”

  Anselle hadn’t thought about them in a few days, she just put them all back in the box and slid it under her bed, “Oh, um, I don’t know. I guess I should pull out the best ones and put them in an album, shouldn’t I?”

  Niav doodled abstract patterns into Anselle’s shirt with her finger, “you can do that but I was thinking of something else.”

  When Niav didn’t expand on her idea Anselle asked, “Is it a secret or are you going to tell me?”

  The artist chuckled, “It’s a secret. Can I have the box?”

  “Just the box or do you want the pictures too?” Anselle teased.

  “Funny.”

  “I thought so. I’ll drop them off tomorrow morning. Is that soon enough or do you want them now?”

  “Tomorrow is fine. I’m not moving from this spot until absolutely necessary.” Niav snuggled tighter into Anselle’s side.

  The two women settled into a comfortable silence. Anselle ran her hands along Niav’s arm and side. Niav listened to Anselle’s strong, steady heartbeat and continued drawing patterns with her finger. After a short while Anselle felt Niav making shaking and nodding motions with her head like she was having an internal argument with herself. “Everything okay, Matt?”

  Niav nodded again, “I want to tell you about me. It isn’t going to be easy for me so I hope you understand if I can’t get it all out tonight.” All traces of sleepiness were gone from her voice.

  Anselle stopped moving her hand, “You don’t have to.” Anselle wanted Niav to open up to her more than anything but at that moment she never wanted to hear Niav suffering or in pain or unhappy in any way especially if she could help it.

  Niav climbed off Anselle and sat up, “I do. I want you to know me. It’s important. I’ll run through as much as I can.” Anselle nodded and Niav continued, “My first attack was in 2010, I was 22. I was out shopping for Christmas with some mates. There was a street fair a few blocks down. At first it was really nice, the weather was good and you could really feel the Christmas spirit, you know?” Anselle nodded again; Niav closed her eyes, picturing the scene in her head, “After about half an hour I started to think that it was too crowded and loud, I felt really warm but unbuttoning my coat didn’t help, I was sweating and lightheaded. There was a band busking on the corner and people were cheering and clapping and pushing to get closer. I couldn’t see my mates anywhere. I was trying to find them when I got caught up in a crowd outside a shop, I felt dizzy and couldn’t breathe and I wanted to get away. The next thing I knew I woke up on the sidewalk and everyone was staring down at me even the music had stopped. I was so embarrassed. One of my mates found me and helped me back here.” Niav, eyes still closed, reached her hand out for Anselle who took it in her. She felt light-headed and she took a few deep breaths to calm herself.

  “Hey, open your eyes and look at me.” Anselle sat up herself and cupped the brunette’s face in her other hand. “Come on. You can do it. Look in my eyes. You’re safe with me.”

  Niav opened her eyes and slowly focused on the blue eyes of the girl in front of her, “I was so afraid. I had no idea what happened to me.” She let her eyes fall as her breathing returned to normal and she fell forward to rest her head on Anselle’s chest.

  Anselle let the falling motion continue until they were lying on the sofa again with Niav resting on top of her. She ran her hands up and down the younger girl’s back, “you alright? Do you need to go lie down?”

  “No, I’m fine. Do you have any questions about my first time?” Niav chuckled quietly; trying to lighten the mood.

  “I see what you did there, very cute, you’re ‘first time’. I’ve done some research on panic attacks so I know a little about what happened with you. I have no questions about your ‘first time’.” Anselle would save her questions for later. She wanted to let Niav tell her story in her own time. If she thought of any new questions she would add them to the ones she’d already written down. “Do you feel like you can continue or do you want to stop now?”

  The woman considered for a minute before she answered, “I want to go on. I didn’t know what had happened to me so I kinda wrote it off as a one-time thing. I thought that maybe I was dehydrated or had needed something to eat and just passed out. I even went back to the fair the next weekend to see if it would happen again but it didn’t. I almost forgot it had even happened at all then on 6 February 2011 it happened again.” She paused and felt Anselle deepen the touch on her back so it was more like a massage. “Mmm, that feels so nice.” She lifted her head to give Anselle a chaste kiss, “thank you.”

  “You don’t have to keep going.” Anselle wanted to hear
the story but something inside her told her that Niav’s past didn’t matter anymore. She wanted Niav to be safe and to keep her that way.

  “I have to tell you. You need to know what you’re getting into if you decide you want to try and have a relationship with me.” Niav stole another kiss.

  “I would already call this a relationship,” with the tips of her fingers under Niav’s chin Anselle drew her in for a deep kiss. When they parted she said, “But I’ll listen if you’re sure you want to tell.”

  “I’m sure.” Niav paused and took a deep, cleansing breath. “I was on my way to work. There had been a problem up the line and the tube station was packed. Even though it was cold on the street the station was oppressively hot. Everyone was crowding and pushing and complaining about the delay. I remember getting the same feelings I had at the market; lightheaded and short of breath and the feeling that I had to get away. I tried to get out of the station but there were too many people and I was too far from the exit. When I went down I hit my head on something and I was bleeding. Everyone was looking at me and I couldn’t get up. I heard somebody say that they had called for an ambulance and then I passed out again. The next time I woke up I was in hospital. I had seven stitches in my head and an I.V. in my arm. They asked me if I had been drinking and if it had happened before and I said no. I know I shouldn’t have lied about the time before but I was so embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to look at me. I kept my head down and didn’t make eye contact. I just wanted to crawl under the blankets and hide. I felt like every nurse or doctor who came in to see me knew that I had lied or they thought I was drunk or on drugs.” Niav’s voice was cracking and she was trembling slightly.

  Anselle didn’t want to hear anymore. She could tell that Niav was in pain relating the past events. “Niav, please stop now.”